I ended up having a horrific time coming off of my fibromyalgia med. I had no idea how addictive it was. It took a couple of months of climbing the walls, headaches, nausea, dizziness, mood swings, a swirling head sensation, insomnia, nightmares when I did sleep, joint pain, feelings like electrical jolts in my head, and more. It was so awful that I once ended up opening up a capsule and taking just a little bit of its contents, just to stop the symptoms. (I know that isn't recommended, but I didn't care.)
So...I finally got through that, and I was determined to spread the word, because I'd certainly never been warned about how addictive it was. It's not even a controlled substance, but, in my opinion, it was every bit as hard to get off of as was a narcotic. (I became hooked on a narcotic pain killer many years ago while in the hospital for a month.)
However, what happened next really shocked me. From what I gather, the car accident caused a fibro flare, which I'm sure was intensified because of not being on any meds. The pain became so intense that it was consuming. I couldn't function. People would ask how I was doing, and my response would be to start crying.
Then came the pool incident. I explained it on my family blog:
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A little history on the pool...
When we first moved here, I really didn't like the pool. It was a big above-ground pool, that, in my mind, didn't compare to the house we'd missed out on that had the real in-ground pool! I wanted nothing to do with it.
Well, for the past several years, that old pool has turned out to be a lifesaver for me. When I was in too much pain to do much of anything, I could walk and stretch and exercise in the pool. Since our recent car accident, the pool is what got me out of bed in the morning.
Nick had spent days getting it ready, and, the day before the incident, had built a new gate that had been broken by kids, repaired another gate, cleaned up the deck, and talked about getting flowering baskets to hang.
The day of the incident, as I was stretching my sore muscles, loving the contrast of the cool water and the blazing sun, and feeling the wind in my hair, I felt truly happy and so grateful to have that pool in which to work at getting better. I decided to go in and make a chart to hold myself accountable for spending at least two hours per day in the pool.
Not an hour later, the neighborhood girls ran to the door, screaming about Jay and the pool! I looked out to see the most tremendous force of water I'd ever seen, roaring out of the pool and across our back yard.
The pool was completely split open!
I let out a scream that didn't even sound like it could have come from me, and then went in and tried to call Nick, who was around the corner picking up the little kids from camp. I couldn't even get the words out, so Nate grabbed the phone and told him what happened.
Jay came in and apologized, saying that he'd kicked off of the side of the pool as he was swimming. I couldn't even say anything. I tried to tell him that it was okay, but I just burst out crying and went upstairs and curled up on my bed. I sobbed like I haven't sobbed in years. GracieGirl came up and started crying, saying that she'd never seen me so sad. Normally, that would make me stop immediately, but I couldn't. I continued to cry and cry.
I know it's not just the pool. It's the years of pain and frustration, of feeling like I can never get ahead, of trying so hard to get well, and just getting hit with setback after setback. I was beside myself, thinking that we'd finally gotten the pool ready and I was finally in a place where I could exercise in it again...only to have it yanked away from me.
Yep, the self-pity set in, big time.
That led right into the anger. I usually keep anger all bottled up inside, but I was so mad! I ranted and raved to Nick about how unfair my life is and how cursed I am.
Nick tried to talk to me. He'd already been on the phone with the pool distributor, who quoted him a replacement cost of approximately $6,000. He also called the insurance agent, since we do have a pool clause. Of course, it wasn't covered. (Why are we paying for that pool clause????)
The only way that Nick finally got me to calm down was by explaining that the pool was made of aluminum, and that it was razor-sharp where it tore. Jay was the only one in the pool at the time, and he started getting sucked out as he swam underwater, but was able to stand up and get out. Had the little kids been swimming at the time, it would have been a very different story. The force of 14,000 gallons of water completely moved the pool pump, sheared the pipe right in half, and sent water uphill through our yard and two neighbors' yards. The kids wouldn't have stood a chance of fighting that!
So, I calmed down as Nick assured me that he would figure out a way to get another pool for me. I'd stopped crying, but my attitude was still horrible, so I told him not to bother because it was pointless. The following day, I started crying whenever I thought about it, but refused to talk about it. I just shut down.
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Like I said, I know it was about more than the pool. What I didn't know at the time was that it was also about the fact that I was in intense fibro pain and not taking anything for it. I got over the pool, but the fibro pain and resulting depression didn't end. I ended up seeing my doctor and, through the tears, agreed to go back on the med that had I'd just sworn I would never, ever touch again! Not only did I agree to it; I welcomed it! That's how bad it was.
Fast forward to the present: I have a brand new, bigger pool that I adore! It's been unusually cold here, but I don't care; I'm out there every single day. I feel SO much better! The meds are helping me feel sane again, and the fibro pain is slowly subsiding. The shoulder pain is still bad, but I'm getting treatment, and have hope that it will feel better soon.
Best of all, my food is in place. I'm eating so simply, but I love it. I get my organic CSA produce each week, and cook it and serve it with potatoes or brown rice. I eat salads, beans, and fruit salads. Nothing fancy, but it all tastes amazing.
I've stopped drinking wine, which feels good. I have to admit that I did slip up on the food when I was feeling so awful, and ate some bread that had white flour and sugar in it. It didn't taste good at all. I'm so thankful that I didn't continue on that path, and that I'm back to following my plan 100%.
I'm not where I thought I'd be right now, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. The more I can accept that, the better off this journey will be.
