"Most of us spend the majority of our lives mentally repeating the
criticisms and judgments
we have heard about ourselves. The thoughts
become weeds
that have a stranglehold on
our self-worth and self-esteem.
Self-affirming words and actions are
necessary
to counteract the unpleasant things we have heard about
ourselves."
This is so true for me. Most days, I couldn't tell you what I wore yesterday, but I can tell you that Michael told me in second grade art class that I glued like a first grader (mortifying!), that my fourth grade teacher accused me of thinking that I knew more than the teacher because I loved to raise my hand and answer questions. I remember my fifth grade art teacher laughing when Kendra suggested that I be the model for the face of the Statue of Liberty that we were creating, saying that I could never be the model because my nose was too wide!
Years later, when I went to have my makeup professionally done, the woman measured my face and said that my eyes were 1/8-inch too close together but that she could show me how to do my makeup to cover up that flaw.
That flaw! I was flawed, defective, unacceptable.
So many criticisms over the years...
You're stupid. You only care about superficial things.
You're ugly.
You're fat.
You talk funny.
You're not successful.
No one will ever put up with you.
I bought into all of that. I wanted plastic surgery. I starved myself. I wouldn't leave the house unless my makeup and hair were perfect, even though, in my eyes, they were never quite right. The goal of every outfit was to cover my fat, no matter what my current weight.
The bottom line was that I was never good enough.
It's only recently that I've taken a good look at that, and started to slowly be able to accept myself for who I am. I'm not there yet, but I'm making progress.
A therapist suggested that each time I have a negative self-thought, I visualize putting that thought in a bubble and blowing that bubble upwards, watching it float away until it vanishes from sight. I've been doing that, and it's making a difference.
I also repeat affirmations.
It feels good to believe that I'm okay exactly the way I am.
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