Never Stop Fighting

My friend, Fily, shared this with me.  I feel as though it were written just for me!

Marianne Williamson Prayer

Dear God,

Please rebuild my temple

And restore my body.

Please repair my relationship with food.

May that which I have used to hurt myself

Become a blessing and a blessing only

In my life.

Help me to forgive myself for my misuse of food,

And teach me how to begin again.

May I learn to eat in a holy way.

Thank you, God.

Amen

~ Marianne Williamson 

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Battles and Choices

I'm sick and tired of being strong.  


I feel like my life has become a battle.  I'm battling to stay afloat amidst a sea of chaos.  I'm battling to manage four children with too many doctors and therapists and IEPs and homework and lost toys and "He said this" and "She did that".  Endless paperwork, calls from teachers, and a steady stream of behavioral specialists and advocates in and out of the door.  Hospital visits and frayed nerves, suicide threats and tantrums and rages, holes punched and kicked in walls.  My health, ever on the back burner, but ever present in the form of relentless pain... 

 

I don't want this life, thank you.  

I'd like to reorder.  

I'll choose Option B this time.

Things used to be so good, so easy!  Life was fun, at least on the outside.  I laughed - a lot.  I traveled and rode jet skis and I walked.  I loved to walk!  I dug in the dirt and produced beautiful flowers and vegetables.  I fed my birds and watched them at my feeders, hands wrapped around my warm mug in the early morning.  I listened to music, beautiful music, music that could bring silent tears to my eyes.  I played piano and felt such joy.

Now I listen to screaming and fighting and accusations and sobbing.  I won't listen to music anymore because when all of the chaotic noise in the house stops, I want only silence.  I sometimes stay up for most of the night, just to embrace that wonderful silence.

My beloved piano, now covered with Lego and Wii games, is unappreciated and unplayed.  My fingers are clumsy and can no longer keep up.

I miss my old life, but I have lessons to learn from this one.  I don't always embrace those lessons, but I know deep down that they're there for me, gifts in strange, uncomfortable packages.

In spite of previous fun and smiles, the skewed relationship with food was present.  The lessons were there, even then, waiting to be recognized.

I am choosing to become aware of those lessons, and to learn from them, even though true understanding and implementation will undoubtedly take time.

On a tough day recently, I noticed, as I watched my husband and son walk out the door, that I wanted to eat.  They would have their fun on their day trip, and I would have my food.   

Why?  Was I feeling rejected, left out?  As much as I love my solitude, maybe, just maybe, I don't like being left behind.

I noticed it again, when they all left to go to a party.  I didn't want to go, didn't feel up to going.  Maybe, though, at some level, I did want to go.  Maybe I wanted to feel well enough to go!  Maybe, although I won't let it surface, I'm mad as hell that my life has come to this.  Maybe I'm sick of constantly hurting, every single waking minute of every day.  Why do I feel like I can't acknowledge any of this?  Why must I instead press on, putting out the next fire, stuffing those feelings?


Today, I made the choice not to stuff the feelings.  While I didn't release them 100%, something that will take time and practice, I didn't stuff them with food.  I felt them: the tension, the frustration, the anger (yes, it's okay to feel anger!).  I felt them but I didn't eat over them.

I ate lovely, nourishing food today.  I ate it when I was hungry, and I didn't eat it when I wasn't.

So simple, yet so incredibly complex.

What I can do...all I can do...is continue that pattern, one minute at a time.  I can feel my feelings, knowing and accepting that they're all okay.  I can sustain myself - physically, not emotionally - with food, and that's okay, too.  I can notice how it feels when I let my emotions surface, and I can notice how I feel after eating certain foods.

No, I don't love many things about my life right now, and no, I certainly wouldn't choose those things.  But this life is here, it's real, and I can make the decision to embrace it and accept it, instead of avoiding it by attempting to numb myself with food.

I'm blessed to have choices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©Katie Daisy 2014

"Just sit with your pain, fear, guilt, sadness, anger...

and see what happens.  

We have a tendency to drown out/run away from our pain 

without really examining it. 

Take time to sit still with your emotions - 

it can be hard, but it really does help."
(Found on Pinterest)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. 

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. 

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. 

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, 

of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." 

~ Washington Irving

 

Moving On

"Chaos often fosters the greatest creativity. 

Breakdowns often precede the greatest breakthroughs. 

And when the pain is greatest 

is often when we're on the brink of the greatest realization.....

When the pain is burned through rather than numbed, 

when our darkness is brought to light and then forgiven, 

then and only then can we move on. 

And move on we do." 

~ Marianne Williamson

20 Things I Can Do Instead of Emotional Eating

 1.  Write, either in my journal or on my blog

 2.  Write a Gratitude List of 10 things

 3.  Play a board game with the kids

 4.  Color a mandala

 5.  Work on a jigsaw puzzle

 6.  Send a card to a friend

 7.  Email a friend

 8.  Make a collage

 9.  Write down 10 things I like about myself (yikes!)

10.  Meditate

11.  Listen to music

12.  Look at my Pinterest board

11.  Clean out a drawer or cabinet

12.  Practice yoga

13.  Read a book

14.  Take a power nap

15.  Deep breathe

16.  Sing

17.  Go sit on the deck

18.  Practice '5 Things' exercise

19.  Listen to an inspirational tape

20.  Read an affirmation

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Choices