Final Thoughts of the Year

I've been sharing other people's thoughts, not my own.  Granted, their thoughts mirror mine in many ways, but truthfully, I've been avoiding my own thoughts, just as I avoid so many things.

I have little glimpses into just how much I've practiced avoidance.  Those glimpses come in little bursts here and there, as I'm drifting off to sleep, or during a middle of the night bathroom run.  I try to hold onto them, to dive in deeper, but they seem to disappear before I can fully grasp them.

What I am seeing, though, is that I've been so busy beating myself up for my eating habits (good for a day, a month, a year plus and then, just like that, eating junk) that I haven't really been able to focus on why I might do what I do.

I like to think that I'm different.  I've read all about the people, especially women, who eat after abuse, specifically sexual abuse, in an attempt to shield themselves from further harm.

That wasn't me.  Nope.  Sure, I was sexually abused, and yes, I went from being what people described as attractive (one more thing that I was unable to see because I was too busy being a perfectionist and picking apart each perceived flaw) to overweight to obese.  But really, the two weren't related.

I also gained after losses - my daughter, my marriage, my mother, my beloved pets, my relationship with my best friend - but I'm sure that was coincidental.  I've been much too busy over the past 30 years to really deal with any of those losses, but I'm sure that my abuse of food isn't connected.


I noticed something interesting yesterday.   Some cables were damaged and I learned that I would be without internet and phone for a while, possibly for quite a while.  I'm notorious for losing my cell phone, and when I finally located it, it was dead.  The search for the charger ensued next.  It's no secret that I don't love cell phones, but knowing that mine was useless at a time when I had no internet or land line service, left me feeling agitated.  And guess what?  The second that agitation hit, I wanted to eat something.  Crunchy.  

So I guess it's not just life's major hits that leave me wanting to eat.

I took it a step further.  After all, I couldn't go online, so I might as well do a little bit of thinking!

Was I agitated because I couldn't make the phone call I needed to make?  (You know, the one that's been on my To Do list for three days?)  Or, was I feeling unsettled because I've actually replaced my eating distraction with computer distraction?

I'd guess the latter...

So, we have the big stuff, the little stuff, and the habitual eating.  Playing a board game?  Time for a snack!  Checking Facebook?  Maybe I'll fix a little plate of something...

In addition, there's another emotional factor, one that I've lived with for too many years.  It has some deep roots, but here's what I know.  I have such black and white thinking, and it's so easy for me to label food as being good or bad.  I know how I desire to eat, which good foods I want to eat.  However, since I'm not living in a bubble, I'm surrounded by bad food.  I can go months or years being okay with that: the bad food is theirs and I don't touch it; the good food is mine and they have no desire to touch it!  But, once I take that first bite, this absurd food frenzy goes on in my head.  (Am I really admitting this?)

It goes something like this:  Say there's a loaf of bread, a box of cookies, and some leftover Chinese food in the house.  They're all bad foods.  In my head, when I'm into the bad foods, I'm always looking for a way to stop, but I know that I can't stop while the bad food is still in the house.  So, I have to get rid of it, either by eating it or by throwing it away, swearing it off forever.  (And then wanting to dive into the trash and get it when I'm craving it three hours later!)  I'll get rid of it one way or another, but then Nick will bring something else home because he's forgotten to read my mind and know that I don't want to eat crap anymore!

I do this dance with my unknowing partner (who loves to eat but who doesn't have the food issues that I do, and never knows when to believe me when I tell him to buy something bad or not to buy something bad!).  It goes on and on until I'm so sick and fed up that I, once again, start eating the way I want to eat.

At that point, I can be good (i.e. eating good food) for a day, maybe two.  Then, I can either become overwhelmed by stress - and the stress is real - or cravings, or both, and give in.  Or, I'll continue for months and months, reminding myself how good I feel while eating well and how desperate and hopeless I feel when I'm in the food and how it impossible it seems to make my way back once I've taken that first bite.

This is the lunacy that I live with, and I'm floored at how much time and energy I've wasted on it over the years.

I figure I have a few choices.  I can go live in one of those tiny houses in the woods somewhere, alone, and not have to worry about other people bringing food into my surroundings.

I can stay where I am and force my family to eat the way I eat.  Yeah, right.  I would love to see them eat mostly whole foods, though, at least in our home.

Or, I can somehow come to grips with my distorted attitudes about food.  

I'm certain that my third option is essential; I just have to figure out exactly how to go about it.  My goal is to be able to say this:

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More from Anne Lamott, on this last day of 2014

"Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction — and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that."

- Anne Lamott

Serenity Prayer, Revised

Diet Inspiration from Anne Lamott

From Anne Lamott's Facebook page:

"This is the Anne Patricia Lamott Anti-Diet that I posted at this time last year. This year, I post it with an added urgency, as the new Viking Diet is upon us, the latest and hottest It diet, and since you may feel vulnerable and somewhat battered after the last few days/weeks/years of festive family get-togethers, or estrangement, you will be susceptible to its promises. And yes, young Canute, if you are enjoying the noble Viking lifestyle, raiding your neighbor's grain stores and salted venison lockers, this may in fact be the perfect new diet for you. Are you giddy with relief that Whole Foods carries so many foraged vegetables, and moose meat? Then step right up. Help bail out the ever-struggling diet industry, while you're at it. But otherwise?

We need to talk.

I know you are planning to start a diet next Thursday, January 1st, I used to start diets, too. I hated to mention this to my then-therapist. She would say cheerfully, "Oh, that's great, honey. How much weight are you hoping to gain?"

I got rid of her sorry ass. No one talks to ME that way.

Well, okay, maybe it was ten years later, after she had helped lead me back home, to myself, to radical self-care, to friendship with my own heart, to a jungly glade that had always existed deep inside me, to mostly healthy eating, but that I'd avoided all those years by achieving, dieting, binging, people-pleasing, multi-talking, and so on

Now when I decide to go on a diet, I say it to myself: "Great, honey. How much weight are you hoping to gain?"

I was able to successfully put on weight during my last book tour by eating room service meals in a gobbly trance in 13 different cities. So that was exhilarating, as I may have mentioned several hundred times that I have had the tiniest, tiniest struggle with food and body image for the last--well, life time. Hardly worth mentioning.

And then, after book tour, I accidentally forgot to starve myself in December, or to go back to the gym, which I've been meaning to do since I had a child, 24 years ago.

So I am at least five pounds up--but thankfully, I do not currently have a scale, because as I've said before, getting on a scale is like asking Dick Cheney to give you a sense of your own self-worth every morning.

I can still get my jeans on, for one reason: I wear forgiving pants. The world is too hard as it is, without letting your pants have an opinion on how you are doing. I struggle with enough esteem issues without letting my jeans get in on the act, volunteering random thoughts about my butt.

By the same token, it feels great to be healthy. Some of you need to be under a doctor's care. None of you need to join Jenny Craig. It won't work. You will lose tons of weight quickly, and gain it all back, plus five. Some of you need to get outside and walk for half an hour a day. I do love walking, so that is not a problem for me, but I have a serious sickness with sugar: if I start eating it, I can't stop. I don't have an off switch, any more than I do with alcohol. Given a choice, I will eat candy corn and Raisinets until the cows come home--and then those cows will be tense, and bitter, because I will have gotten lipstick on the straps of their feed bags.

But you crave what you eat, so if I go for 3 or 4 days with no sugar, the craving is gone. That is not dieting. If you are allergic to peanuts, don't eat peanuts.

So please join me in not starting a diet January 1st.

It's really okay, though, to have (or pray for) an awakening around your body. It's okay to stop hitting the snooze button, and to pay attention to what makes you feel great about yourself, one meal at a time. Horribly, it's yet another inside job. If you are not okay with yourself at 185, you will not be okay at 150, or even 135. The self-respect and peace of mind you long for is not out there. It's within. I hate that. I resent that more than I can say. But it's true.

Maybe some of us can try to eat a bit less, and walk a bit more, and make sure to wear pants that do not hurt our thighs or our feelings. Drinking more water is the solution to all problems.

I'll leave you with this: I've helped some of the sturdier women at my church get healthy, by suggesting they prepare each meal as if they had asked our beloved pastor to lunch or dinner. They wouldn't say, "Here Pastor--let's eat standing up in the kitchen. This tube of barbecue Pringles is all for you. i have my own" And then stand there gobbling from their own tubular container. No, they'd get out pretty dishes, and arrange wonderful foods on the plates, and set one plate before Veronica at the table, a plate filled with love, pride and connection. That's what we have longed for, our whole lives, and get to create, now, or  on the 1st. Wow! And God bless you all real good, as my pastor always says."

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I'll Start Over Tomorrow

I'm back from my getaway with my Nick.  Even after preparing a menu, taking all of my food, arranging for a fridge and microwave, I bought into the lie that I could take just one bite because I was on a mini-vacation.


I'm not surprised at where that one bite has taken me.

I didn't write yesterday because I didn't want to be held accountable; I wanted just one more day with the food. I didn't want to write today because I wanted just one more day with the food! 

In spite of not wanting to write, I'm forcing myself.  My breakfast wasn't on plan, so I told myself that I've already blown it so I might as well just wait and start tomorrow.

Another lie.

If I don't start now, I never will.  The older I get, the harder I fall and the harder it is to pull myself back up. I don't want to keep living this way.

The time is now.

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Criticisms and Judgments

I read this quote by Ivanla Vanzant today:

"Most of us spend the majority of our lives mentally repeating the criticisms and judgments

 we have heard about ourselves. The thoughts become weeds 

that have a stranglehold  on our self-worth and self-esteem. 

Self-affirming words and actions are necessary 

to counteract the unpleasant things we have heard about ourselves."

This is so true for me. Most days, I couldn't tell you what I wore yesterday, but I can tell you that Michael told me in second grade art class that I glued like a first grader (mortifying!), that my fourth grade teacher accused me of thinking that I knew more than the teacher because I loved to raise my hand and answer questions.  I remember my fifth grade art teacher laughing when Kendra suggested that I be the model for the face of the Statue of Liberty that we were creating, saying that I could never be the model because my nose was too wide!

Years later, when I went to have my makeup professionally done, the woman measured my face and said that my eyes were 1/8-inch too close together but that she could show me how to do my makeup to cover up that flaw.

That flaw!  I was flawed, defective, unacceptable.

So many criticisms over the years...

        You're stupid.  You only care about superficial things. 

        You're ugly.

        You're fat.

        You talk funny.

        You're not successful.

        No one will ever put up with you.


I bought into all of that.  I wanted plastic surgery.  I starved myself.  I wouldn't leave the house unless my makeup and hair were perfect, even though, in my eyes, they were never quite right.  The goal of every outfit was to cover my fat, no matter what my current weight.

The bottom line was that I was never good enough.

It's only recently that I've taken a good look at that, and started to slowly be able to accept myself for who I am.  I'm not there yet, but I'm making progress.

A therapist suggested that each time I have a negative self-thought, I visualize putting that thought in a bubble and blowing that bubble upwards, watching it float away until it vanishes from sight.  I've been doing that, and it's making a difference.

I also repeat affirmations.

It feels good to believe that I'm okay exactly the way I am.

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Self-Care November

One thing I've learned is that there's a much bigger picture than just the food.  The more my food falls into place, the more other, unresolved things pop up.  I'm still so reluctant to take care of myself holistically.  The food's good?  Then I stay up too late, get too involved in projects that are simply a distraction, focus on other people's lives so that I can avoid looking at my own.  It's an old pattern, one that I'm willing to address.  Sort of.  A part of me just doesn't want to go there, but it's time.  So, I'm putting it out here, as a way of holding myself accountable.  Even if  no one ever reads this, it's still here, in writing.  I can go and delete it, of course, but I'm going to work hard to avoid doing so.

I'm proclaiming the month of November self-care month.

I'm starting tomorrow with a day of pampering.

Deep breath.

A local special needs group holds a day of pampering for caregivers every November.  Every year, I sign up.  Every year, for the past three (or four?) years, I've cancelled.

I don't feel pamperable.  I know that's not a word, but it suits my purpose here, so I'm sticking with it. 

All of my focus is on my kids.  Self-care is a thing of the past.  Of course, that's the whole purpose of the day tomorrow, because so many caregivers don't ever focus on themselves!

Things that I used to do without hesitation - massages, hair care, facials, manicures and pedicures, a fancy lunch out - are foreign to me now.  They're part of a world to which I no longer belong, and it feels uncomfortable to reenter that world. 

I'm going to push through that discomfort tomorrow, and I know that once I get there, I'm going to love every minute of it.

From that starting point, I'm going to complete a daily checklist of self-care essentials: sleep, drinking enough water, daily affirmations, and at least one documented form of physical self-care.

My tendencies are to throw myself in to something new like this, get overwhelmed, and eventually quit.  To avoid that, I'm going to start small, with just a few things, and work from there.

It's time.

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Acceptance

I've really neglected this blog!

Life has been extra crazy lately, even by my family's standards.  I've learned and continue to learn to take one step at a time, to appreciate even the smallest of good things in my day, to be thankful for what I have, and to accept myself, imperfections and all.

My diet hasn't been perfect.  I've tried some different foods, some of which worked for me, and some that didn't because they caused cravings.  Right now, I'm keeping it very basic:  oats and fruit or a smoothie for breakfast, a huge salad for lunch, and brown rice or potatoes piled high with veggies for dinner.

I've been spending a lot of time in the pool, even when the weather has been cold and the (unheated) water feels freezing!  It's a great stress reliever because I have to keep moving fast to keep warm, and I can feel myself relaxing a little bit.

I had a doctor's appointment the other day, and I was scared to go in there because I'd been running from one thing to the next all morning, putting out fires, and getting bad news about my child's health.  I was honestly shaking and my heart was pounding when I got there, and I was sure that my blood pressure was going to be through the roof.  When they took it, it was 100/60!!!  I couldn't believe it!  Pretty darned good for someone who was diagnosed with hypertension last year!

So, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, knowing that this is the best I can do under really trying circumstances.  Ideally, I'd love to be going to bed early, getting up early and meditating and journaling, doing some yoga, walking, preparing salads with more varied veggies, and taking time to relax and have fun.  That's not my reality right now, but that's okay.  It doesn't mean that it will never happen!

Today, I accept my life the way it is, I accept myself the way I am, and I move forward, at whatever pace I can.

It feels so much better to live this way than it did when I was full of self-condemnation!

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Gratitude

Nick wanted to cook dinner for me tonight.  He had an idea in his head and wanted to go with it.  It was so good!  He made the burgers with black beans, brown rice, roasted peppers, roasted onions, and Mexican seasonings.  They're topped with a tomatillo cilantro sauce. 

The salad looks like a typical black bean and corn salad, but he added some fresh pineapple, which gave it a very different taste.

He had so much to do today, and I really loved that he wanted to take time out from his busy day to make a meal just for me.

One more thing for which to be grateful...

Feelings

So, this journey of mine has taken a bit of a turn recently.  I'm focusing less on the food itself, and more on the reasons that may be responsible for me having such a messed up relationship with food for so long.

I've used food in so many ways.  I've controlled and restricted it so that I would look good physically.  I've abused it and turned to it for comfort, in an attempt to dull the pain.  I don't feel that I've ever had a healthy relationship with it.

I've been facing some of the pain, working on figuring out why I felt the need to numb the pain for so many years.  I'm realizing how a lot of the messages that I got as a child contributed to that need to numb everything.  I love my parents and think that they did an amazing job at parenting considering that they married so young and didn't receive a lot of parenting tools from their parents.  Both of my parents were raised in homes where appearances were important, and that was something that they both expected of me and my siblings.

So, if we were upset, we were to go to our rooms until we could be "nice".  If we cried too loudly or too long, we were encouraged to stop and put on happy faces.  Feelings were not to be felt.  We should be polite, happy, and cheerful, with big smiles on our faces.

As a result, I learned to not feel things.  If I was sad or hurt or unhappy, I ate.  I loved sweets and I used them to calm myself down.  I really had no idea how to feel angry!  I remember seeing my therapist one time, and she encouraged me to hit some sort of a tool (I can't even remember what it was, except that it had a long handle and a round thing at the end) on the floor to let our my anger over an old hurt.  I was hesitant, so she asked Nick if he wanted to try it.  The hurt didn't involve him, but he was still upset about it because he knew how much it affected me.  So, he started hitting the floor...and I went into a full state of panic!  My heart was beating wildly, and I begged him to stop.

Not only could I not feel my anger, I couldn't stand to watch someone else show anger!

I don't blame my parents or anyone else for any of this.  I've just realized that bottling up my feelings for so many years is hurting me instead of serving me.  I'm now actively working on feeling them, and I'm convinced that by doing so, I'll no longer need to self-medicate with food.

Attitude Adjustment

For a while now, I've felt like I've been stuck in a stressful life, with no way out.  It's not as if it's a relationship from which I can walk away.  I love my kids more than anything, but the stress here is through the roof.  This week alone, my oldest (16) got blood work that showed crazy high sugar levels, very elevated cholesterol, and elevated red blood cells, among other things.  My second son, who is autistic and hormonal, is so depressed that there's been talk of suicide.  My daughter is regressing emotionally and refuses to open up.  My youngest, who just turned eight, is in a partial program at a psychiatric facility, while they're still trying to sort out diagnoses and medications.  The car battery decided to die today, even though it's not old, the kids' toilet broke and leaked, leaving a huge toilet-shaped stain on the kitchen ceiling, and the skylight in our bathroom is leaking and someone came out this afternoon and said that there's mold in the attic surrounding it. 



I’m dealing with this on very little sleep and while in constant pain.  I got up early today for a chiropractor appointment.  After the appointment, Nick asked me how my knees were doing.  I told him that I’d just been thinking about the fact that they weren’t bad, considering that I was scheduled for total knee replacements in 2008 and still haven’t gotten the surgery.  I came home and was quickly picking up the house because the guy was coming over to look at the skylight.  I had an armload of stuff, and as I stepped forward and bent down to pick up one last sock, my left sandal somehow got caught on the hem of my right pants leg.  I fell, landing hard on my right knee and then hitting my head.  Seriously?  Right after I’d made the comment about my knees feeling good?


Even though it’s crazy, I’m fine this very second.  Why?  Because of my attitude.  I’m consciously choosing to change that attitude, which I previously didn’t think was possible.  I used to believe that no one could go through what I do on a regular basis without a release.  My release was food, and I was convinced that I was entitled, that I wouldn’t survive without it.  When I cut out my comfort foods, I eventually replaced them with wine, again justifying it.  When I stopped that, there was nothing left to do except deal with the situation. 


So, when my youngest is raging, I remind myself that he is hurting, and that he can be the sweetest most loveable little boy, and that I went for many years without children and now I’m blessed to have a child.  With every bad situation, there’s always good somewhere in my life.  It’s up to me to find it and be thankful for it.


It reminds me of the time when my kids were younger and were in that mode where they continually created a new mess as I was cleaning up the old mess.  I looked around my house and wanted to cry.  Then, in the midst of piles of Lego and matchbox cars, books and dirty dishes, I saw on my dining room table, a single flower in a vase.  I chose to focus on the beauty of that flower instead of the chaos surrounding it, and it brought a smile to my face.


It’s all about attitude.

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. 

 

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

 

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. 

 

And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes. 

 

~ Charles Swindoll

My New Mantra

A Lengthy Keeping it Real Update

I'd said that I wasn't going to blog because I wasn't feeling positive, but then I reminded myself that I'd promised to keep it real.  Real isn't always positive.  I won't dwell on the negative, but I'll document it.

I ended up having a horrific time coming off of my fibromyalgia med.  I had no idea how addictive it was.  It took a couple of months of climbing the walls, headaches, nausea, dizziness, mood swings, a swirling head sensation, insomnia, nightmares when I did sleep, joint pain, feelings like electrical jolts in my head, and more.  It was so awful that I once ended up opening up a capsule and taking just a little bit of its contents, just to stop the symptoms.  (I know that isn't recommended, but I didn't care.)

So...I finally got through that, and I was determined to spread the word, because I'd certainly never been warned about how addictive it was.  It's not even a controlled substance, but, in my opinion, it was every bit as hard to get off of as was a narcotic.  (I became hooked on a narcotic pain killer many years ago while in the hospital for a month.)

However, what happened next really shocked me.  From what I gather, the car accident caused a fibro flare, which I'm sure was intensified because of not being on any meds.  The pain became so intense that it was consuming.  I couldn't function.  People would ask how I was doing, and my response would be to start crying.

Then came the pool incident.  I explained it on my family blog:

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A little history on the pool...

When we first moved here, I really didn't like the pool.  It was a big above-ground pool, that, in my mind, didn't compare to the house we'd missed out on that had the real in-ground pool!  I wanted nothing to do with it.

Well, for the past several years, that old pool has turned out to be a lifesaver for me.  When I was in too much pain to do much of anything, I could walk and stretch and exercise in the pool.  Since our recent car accident, the pool is what got me out of bed in the morning.

Nick had spent days getting it ready, and, the day before the incident, had built a new gate that had been broken by kids, repaired another gate, cleaned up the deck, and talked about getting flowering baskets to hang.


The day of the incident, as I was stretching my sore muscles, loving the contrast of the cool water and the blazing sun, and feeling the wind in my hair, I felt truly happy and so grateful to have that pool in which to work at getting better.  I decided to go in and make a chart to hold myself accountable for spending at least two hours per day in the pool.


Not an hour later, the neighborhood girls ran to the door, screaming about Jay and the pool!  I looked out to see the most tremendous force of water I'd ever seen, roaring out of the pool and across our back yard.

The pool was completely split open!

I let out a scream that didn't even sound like it could have come from me, and then went in and tried to call Nick, who was around the corner picking up the little kids from camp.  I couldn't even get the words out, so Nate grabbed the phone and told him what happened.

Jay came in and apologized, saying that he'd kicked off of the side of the pool as he was swimming.  I couldn't even say anything.  I tried to tell him that it was okay, but I just burst out crying and went upstairs and curled up on my bed.  I sobbed like I haven't sobbed in years.  GracieGirl came up and started crying, saying that she'd never seen me so sad.  Normally, that would make me stop immediately, but I couldn't.  I continued to cry and cry.

I know it's not just the pool.  It's the years of pain and frustration, of feeling like I can never get ahead, of trying so hard to get well, and just getting hit with setback after setback.  I was beside myself, thinking that we'd finally gotten the pool ready and I was finally in a place where I could exercise in it again...only to have it yanked away from me.

Yep, the self-pity set in, big time. 

That led right into the anger.  I usually keep anger all bottled up inside, but I was so mad!  I ranted and raved to Nick about how unfair my life is and how cursed I am.

Nick tried to talk to me.  He'd already been on the phone with the pool distributor, who quoted him a replacement cost of approximately $6,000.  He also called the insurance agent, since we do have a pool clause.  Of course, it wasn't covered.  (Why are we paying for that pool clause????)

The only way that Nick finally got me to calm down was by explaining that the pool was made of aluminum, and that it was razor-sharp where it tore.  Jay was the only one in the pool at the time, and he started getting sucked out as he swam underwater, but was able to stand up and get out.  Had the little kids been swimming at the time, it would have been a very different story.  The force of 14,000 gallons of water completely moved the pool pump, sheared the pipe right in half, and sent water uphill through our yard and two neighbors' yards.  The kids wouldn't have stood a chance of fighting that!

So, I calmed down as Nick assured me that he would figure out a way to get another pool for me.  I'd stopped crying, but my attitude was still horrible, so I told him not to bother because it was pointless.  The following day, I started crying whenever I thought about it, but refused to talk about it.  I just shut down.

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Like I said, I know it was about more than the pool.  What I didn't know at the time was that it was also about the fact that I was in intense fibro pain and not taking anything for it.  I got over the pool, but the fibro pain and resulting depression didn't end.  I ended up seeing my doctor and, through the tears, agreed to go back on the med that had I'd just sworn I would never, ever touch again!  Not only did I agree to it; I welcomed it!  That's how bad it was.

Fast forward to the present:  I have a brand new, bigger pool that I adore!  It's been unusually cold here, but I don't care; I'm out there every single day.  I feel SO much better!  The meds are helping me feel sane again, and the fibro pain is slowly subsiding.  The shoulder pain is still bad, but I'm getting treatment, and have hope that it will feel better soon.

Best of all, my food is in place.  I'm eating so simply, but I love it.  I get my organic CSA produce each week, and cook it and serve it with potatoes or brown rice.  I eat salads, beans, and fruit salads.  Nothing fancy, but it all tastes amazing.

I've stopped drinking wine, which feels good.  I have to admit that I did slip up on the food when I was feeling so awful, and ate some bread that had white flour and sugar in it.  It didn't taste good at all.  I'm so thankful that I didn't continue on that path, and that I'm back to following my plan 100%.

I'm not where I thought I'd be right now, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  The more I can accept that, the better off this journey will be.

Why I Detest Meds With a Great Burning Passion

  From my main blog:

I've struggled with my health for about six years now.  I've been all over the place, physically and emotionally, during those six years, but, for the most part, I've tried to keep on fighting.


Okay, so I've given up a few times (like throwing a hissy fit when Dr. Kevorkian died and when Nick refused to take me to the animal hospital to be put down).  I'm looking at the big picture here!


I still don't understand how I went from being healthy to so sick, almost overnight.  It just seemed like one specialist led to the next, each adding a new diagnosis.  Although I've tested negative more than once, I still have to wonder if it's Lyme disease.


By far the most frustrating aspect of this, which I've mentioned before, is trying to rule out one thing, only to be hit with another.


"Well, your CT Scan didn't show a mass in your stomach, but you do have pneumonia!"  Woo hoo!



My biggest struggle lately has been with meds.  I hate them.


I can hear my kids telling me not to use the word hate, so I'll say it the way they would:

I detest meds with a great burning passion!

I feel this way for a couple of different reasons:

1)  First of all, I detest with a great burning passion the need for them!

At one point, I was taking a ridiculous amount of meds.  That was when the pharmacist at our large chain called to wish me a happy birthday, and suggested that we grace their wall with a family portrait since we were single-handedly keeping them in business!

Over the past year, I adopted a whole foods plant-based diet, in an attempt to regain my health.


Overall, I'd made a lot of progress.  I was feeling really good, I was really excited about an upcoming family vacation, and I'd been able to discontinue taking many of the meds I once took.  The problem lies in my expectations.  I fully expected that, after one year, I would be healthy and would be off of all of my meds. (The exception is one med that I realize that I will probably have to take forever.  I'm okay with that, since the alternative is a much shorter forever!)

I half accidentally/half intentionally went off of all of the other meds last month.  I was kind of devastated to realize that life is still pretty tough without them.

2)  The other reason, the main reason, is that I detest with a great burning passion, the side effects of medications, which often lead to the need for more meds to counteract those side effects.

 
 

Case in point:

Last month, we were in a car accident on the way to the family vacation.  I was injured and was prescribed steroids for swelling in my spine, a muscle relaxant for the spasms in my back and neck, and a narcotic pain killer for my shoulder and other pain.

I took those at the same time that I stopped my other meds (one for fibromyalgia and one for lymphedema), because I'd forgotten to bring them with me.  I asked my doctor to call them in to the local pharmacy, so that I could pick them up if I needed them.  I never picked them up because, even though I knew that it wasn't good to stop them cold turkey, I felt okay (undoubtedly because I was on the other three meds which would mask withdrawal symptoms).

I was still in quite a bit of pain, but I spent time relaxing, especially in the hot tub and pool at our vacation house.  The hot tub in particular really helped get me deal with the pain.

My expectation was that I would come home feeling as good as new.

That's not exactly how it happened.  Instead, I ended up in the ER in the middle of the night with a severe infection in my leg.  Add IV and then PO antibiotics to my meds list.  A few days later, I was back in the hospital, this time for five days.  More IV antibiotics...and nice IM blood thinners so that I didn't croak from another pulmonary embolism.

Good times.

When I got home, I had to take another course of PO antibiotics, in addition to a powerful PO anti-fungal since yeast was now playing havoc with my body.

The problem with taking the anti-fungal (besides the horrific list of side effects) was that, while I was on it, I would have to stop the one medication that I was still needed to take.  That med is responsible for keeping my tumor small enough that it doesn't have to be removed surgically.  I don't take stopping it lightly.

While I continued on the antibiotics and anti-fungal, I couldn't deny that the lymphedema was getting worse.  I reluctantly went back on those meds.

I finally finished up the other meds a few days ago, so I could start taking the tumor medication again.

The other night, out of the blue, I became really nauseated and dizzy.  I pushed through, wondering if I'd eaten something that didn't agree with me, but not knowing what, since I usually eat the same sorts of foods.  It was still there when I woke up the next morning, until I finally announced that I had to go lie down.  Since I'm usually at the point where I think that death is imminent before I'll lie down, everyone knew it was serious.  :)

I'm now on day four of feeling like I can't take another minute of this, and it wasn't until last night that I remembered the one other time that I felt this way!  It was when I first started taking the tumor medication!  I'd been warned (and of course I researched, because that's what I do) about these most unpleasant side effects, and that it would take a month or so before my body adapted to the medication.  I never dreamed that I'd have to go through this all over again, after having been off of the meds for just a little over a week!

So, I'm sitting at home, while everyone else is at a pool party, clutching my stomach and feeling the room spin.  Oh yeah, and feeling very sorry for myself!  :)

I detest with a great burning passion the fact that this week will mark one year on a whole foods, plant-based diet, and this is how I'm feeling!  I expected to be celebrating, shouting my great results from the rooftops, and best of all, rejoining life.

A little too much ego there?  Definitely.

I know that I need to go back to taking one baby step at a time, but I'm still mad.  I got a taste of what it was like to feel human again, and just as quickly as I got it, it was snatched away from me.

I guess I'll wallow in self-pity for a little while (probably until these nasty side effects go away), and then pick myself up, and take the next step.

Perfect in my Imperfections

It's been a long time since I've posted about my journey.  The food is in place.  It's become a way of life, and I'm so grateful that I no longer wish to eat any other way than the way I'm eating.  I'm making old recipes, trying new ones, and noticing that my tastes continue to change.  Although I enjoy cooking and trying new things, I'm also noticing how much I love a plate of green beans, a piece of watermelon, or a plain bowl of oatmeal.  Without all of the sugar and fat distorting my taste buds, I can actually taste each food and appreciate it for what it is!

I am a bit discouraged by where I am in my health journey, but that's only because I get in my own way with my expectations.  The truth is that I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago, and I don't want to forget where I was or minimize how far I've come.  At the moment, I'm struggling with some health issues, after a car accident and subsequent infection, that have worn me down.  The meds are doing a number on me, and although they're necessary, I'm just plain sick of feeling so tired and nauseated.

I've worked hard on changing my food, and now I'm working even harder on changing my head.  It's a big job, but I'm ready for the challenge!

Monthly Sale Items

January

National Oatmeal Month: Rolled oats
Seasonal Produce: Oranges, Pears, Grapefruit, Tangerines, Broccoli, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chard, Collards, Kale, Kiwi, Cabbage, Spinach
Home: Linens, TVs & Electronics, Cameras, Computers, Small Appliances, Exercise Equipment. Carpeting & Flooring, Air Conditioners, Furniture
Clothing: Winter Clothes, Sneakers
Christmas Clearance: Christmas Decorations, Toys & Bicycles, Wrapping Papers,
Houses, Boats, Motorcycles
Vacation Packages
Thrift Stores: any items

February

National Canned Food Month: Canned Fruit, Vegetables
National Hot Breakfast Month:  Oatmeal
Chinese New Year: Tamari, Chinese Ingredients
Seasonal Produce:  Artichoke, Asparagus, Raspberries, Potatoes, Strawberries, Broccoli, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chard, Collards, Kale, Kiwi, Spinach
Home: Cameras, Big Screen TVs (prior to the Super Bowl), Air Conditioners, Furniture (President's Day sales), Recliners
Personal Care: Toothbrushes & Toothpaste
Boats, Motorcycles

March

Frozen Food Month: Frozen Vegetables, Frozen Fruits
St. Patrick's Day: Cabbage, Potatoes
Seasonal Produce: Artichoke, Asparagus,  Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chard, Collards, Fennel, Kale, Leek, Lemon, Lime, Mushrooms, Spring Onions, Orange, Peas, Radish, Rhubarb, Spinach, Strawberries, Tangerine
Other: Luggage

April

Easter:  Spices, Baking Supplies, Potatoes, Mustard
Earth Day: Organic Foods, Energy Saver, Reusable Totes, Organic & Natural Cleaners
Seasonal Produce: Artichokes, Asparagus, Beets, Broccoli, Cabbages, Carrots, Grapefruit, Mushrooms, Onions, Peas, Rhubarb
Kitchen: Cookware
Home: Electronics, Vacuum Cleaners, Home Improvement Supplies
Clothes: Sneakers
Auto: Tires, auto parts, car care supplies

May

Celiac Disease Awareness Month: Gluten-free Foods
Memorial Day: Mustard, Charcoal, Salad Greens
Cinco De Mayo: Salsa, Tortillas, Canned Beans
Seasonal Produce: Artichokes, Asparagus, Beets, Blackberries, Carrots, Green Beans, Sweet Vidalia Onions, Peas, New Potatoes, Raspberries, Strawberries
Kitchen: Refrigerators, Cookware
Home: Mattresses, Vacuum Cleaners
Pet Supplies
Gym Memberships     


June 
End of June, Pre-4th of July Sales: Condiments, Watermelon, Charcoal, Lighter Fluid
Seasonal Produce: Apricots, Blackberries, Blueberries, Boysenberries, Cherries, Corn, Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Honeydew, Nectarines, Peaches, Potatoes, Raspberries, Red Onions, Summer Squash, Strawberries, Sweet Vidalia Onions, Tomatoes, Watermelon
Kitchen: Dishes
Home: Tools (around Father's Day)
Clothes: Women's undergarments and lingerie

July

4th of July BBQ Sales: Condiments, Watermelon, Charcoal & Lighter Fluid
Seasonal Produce: Asian Pears, Bartlett Pears, Beans, Green, Blueberries, Corn, Cucumber, Eggplant, Garlic, Grapes, Nectarines, Red Onions, Valencia Oranges, Peaches, Sweet Bell Peppers, Plums, Potatoes, Summer Squash, Tomatoes, Watermelon
End of July: Back to School Sales Begin: Crayons, Pencils, Folders, Binders
Home: Furniture
Clearance: Target's Semi-Annual Toy Clearance Sale, up to 70% off

August

Seasonal Produce: Gravenstein Apple, Beans, Berries, Corn, Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Green Beans, Melons, Onion, Peaches, Bartlett Pears, Bell Pepper, Plums, Raspberries, Summer Squash, Tomatillo, Tomato
Back to School: Lunchboxes, School Supplies, Office Supplies
Outdoor: Pool supplies, Outdoor Furniture, Outdoor Toys, Outdoor Play Equipment, Charcoal, Lighter Fluid 
Clothes: Summer clothes & shoes, bathing suits, underwear, socks, sunglasses
Home: Pillows, Linens

September

Condiments, Canned Fruits & Vegetables
Seasonal Produce: Apples, Artichokes, Beans, Bell Peppers, Chili Peppers, Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Onion, Valencia Orange, Asian Pears, Bartlett Pears, Pomegranate, Squash, Tomatillo, Tomatoes, Watermelon, Winter Squash
Back to School Sales through Labor Day:  Crayons, Pencils, Folders, Binders, Office Supplies
Baby Items: Major Baby Equipment, Baby Safety
Clothes: Underwear, Socks, Undershirts
Outdoors: Lawn Mowers, Grills & Supplies, Trees, Shrubs, Bulbs, Camping Gear, Gardening Supplies
Home: Large Appliances: washers & dryers, stoves, refrigerators, Fans
Cars
iPhones (good prices on last year's model because new models are coming out)

October

Halloween: Fresh Pumpkin
Beginning of the Baking Sales: Canned pumpkin
Seasonal Produce: Apples, Artichokes, Arugula, Beets, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbage, Chard, Cranberries, Lemons, Parsnip, Pears, Pomegranate, Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Pumpkin, Spinach, Winter Squash, Turnips, Yams
Daylight Savings Time Ends Promotions: Alarm Clocks, Batteries, Safety Equipment, Smoke Detectors
Home: Large appliances
Clothes: Jeans
Outdoors: Grills, Lawn Mowers, Trees, Shrubs, Bulbs
Auto: Tires, Care Care Supplies

November

Baking:  Flour, Spices, Oatmeal
Canned foods: Vegetables, Fruits
Thanksgiving Items: Canned Pumpkin
Seasonal Produce: Anjou Pears, Beets, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbages, Carrots, Celery, Comice Pears, Cranberries, Kiwi, Lemons, Orange, Potato, Squash, Yams
Black Friday and Cyber Monday: Deep discounts on electronics, toys, etc.
Kitchen: Cookware, Aluminum foil, Aluminum Baking Pans, Plastic wrap
Home: Electronics, Carpeting & Flooring, Tools
Outdoors: Trees, Shrubs, Bulbs

December

Holiday Dinner: Cranberries, Potatoes
Baking: Flour, Spices, Oatmeal
Canned Foods: Vegetables, Fruits
Seasonal Produce: Anjou Pears, Bok Choy, Bosc Pears, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Grapefruit, Kale, Kiwi, Kumquat, Lemon, Napa Cabbage, Oranges, Sweet Potatoes, Red Cabbage, Rutabaga, Savoy Cabbage, Spinach, Winter Squash, Yams, Turnips, White Potato
Kitchen: Aluminum Foil, Aluminum Baking Pans, Plastic Wrap, Cookware
Home: Electronics, Computers, Cell Phones, Tools, Batteries, Carpeting & Flooring
Clothes: Winter Clothes, Winter Coats
Toys
Gift Cards
Cars, Motorcycles

Not Really Keeping it Real...

It's been awhile since I posted.  I'd said that I was going to keep this journey real, and well...I haven't.  It's easy to keep it real when things are going well.  When they're not, it's a whole different story.

I don't want to make a bunch of excuses, but I do want to focus on the facts.

The first fact is that I'm not taking care of myself.  That may seem like an easy thing to do, but for me, it's not.  It's something I have to work consciously at doing.  If not, I put everyone and everything else first.

(I just found a half-hour's worth of busy work to do to avoid writing this!)

First, the good news:  I'm eating a plant-based diet.  Even when things have been really hard and stressful, I haven't even been tempted to eat foods that aren't on plan.

Next, the not so good news:  (I suddenly have this overwhelming desire to go empty the dishwasher!)  My head isn't where it needs to be.  I'm not focused.  I'm overeating.  I'm eating mindlessly.  I'm eating in response to stress.  I'm staying up until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  And, I'm drinking wine.  I'm drinking too much wine.

More good news:  I'm not in denial!

I keep a family blog where I divulge a tiny fraction of the chaos that exists in my home, every single day of my life.  I feel like I'm making excuses again, but these are the facts.  All four of my kids have varying degrees and types of special needs, and there are many days when I jump from one to the next, putting out fires.  In the center of it, is my undiagnosed youngest son.  I won't go into all of the details, but suffice it to say that, by the end of the day, my head is pounding, my hands are shaking, I've been getting dizzy and light-headed, and I'm sure I'm going to have a stroke.  I know that I'm supposed to deep breathe and practice yoga and take a bath, call a friend, go for a walk.  Well, I'm not.  I'm pouring myself a glass of wine.  And I'm enjoying every single sip.  I stay up late, savoring every moment of peace and quiet that I long for during the day.  So, I'm not getting enough sleep, and I sometimes eat a snack at night that I don't need.

So, I've been looking at why I'm doing this.  I've realized that I'm good at taking bad news and bad situations, and treating them as if they were as casual as getting the mail or any other mundane event.  I just move on.  I'm supposed to be strong, it's not okay to react or cry or be weak.  As an example, deep down, I blame myself for all of my kids' issues.  I don't think that I caused them, but I do believe, at some level, that if I just did a little more, spent more time, researched more, tried different therapies or diets, that they would be better.

So, I keep moving forward, with everything bottled up inside, telling myself that I'm fine.

I see a therapist a couple of times a month.  I love her, I really do.  She's 80 years old, and she's younger than more adults I know.  She recently suggested that I cut back to seeing her once a month, but I don't want to because I love talking to her so much.  At any rate, I saw her the other day.  We started talking about my youngest, and that led to a conversation about how I'm doing with all of his behaviors.  I admitted that I wasn't sleeping and that I was drinking wine.  She wants me to discipline myself to be in bed by 10:30 each night.  She also strongly suggested that I stop the wine.

She went on to talk about my son, and said that she believes that we can no longer provide the care he needs.  I won't get in to the whole conversation, but the bottom line is that, even though I was sobbing, I thanked her, said that I hoped she had a nice Easter, and went on with my day.

That's what I do.  Someone has just told me that I need to say goodbye to my child, and I go home and do dishes!  I've done that with many major events in my life, rather than dealing with them.

Now that I've realized this and admitted it, it's time to do something about it.  My focus is to allow myself to feel grief or anger or whatever emotion is appropriate to any given situation.  I'm saying goodbye to the wine, as much as I don't want to right now.  And somehow, I'll work on getting to bed earlier. 

I can do this!

What are We?

Wednesday, 3/19/14

I've been ignoring this blog, but not intentionally.  There's been a lot going on at home and I haven't had the time or extra energy to continue to record my food here.  Also, I realized that I was spending more time photographing, posting, and linking than I was cooking and planning my meals.  I needed to turn that around.  I'm continuing to eat a plant-based diet and loving it as much as ever.  I just want to spend my time working on some issues that I have around food and other things in my life.  I'll document some of that here, and I'll continue to post new recipes on my other blog: 

Plant Based...by Ingredient!


I'll also post occasional pictures of what I'm eating, like this big old delicious mess of a meal I had for lunch today: Mexican Bean Burger on a bed or romaine, smothered in sauteed sweet onions and red bell peppers, fresh salsa, cheeze sauce and vegan sour cream.  So, so yummy!