Gratitude

Nick wanted to cook dinner for me tonight.  He had an idea in his head and wanted to go with it.  It was so good!  He made the burgers with black beans, brown rice, roasted peppers, roasted onions, and Mexican seasonings.  They're topped with a tomatillo cilantro sauce. 

The salad looks like a typical black bean and corn salad, but he added some fresh pineapple, which gave it a very different taste.

He had so much to do today, and I really loved that he wanted to take time out from his busy day to make a meal just for me.

One more thing for which to be grateful...

Feelings

So, this journey of mine has taken a bit of a turn recently.  I'm focusing less on the food itself, and more on the reasons that may be responsible for me having such a messed up relationship with food for so long.

I've used food in so many ways.  I've controlled and restricted it so that I would look good physically.  I've abused it and turned to it for comfort, in an attempt to dull the pain.  I don't feel that I've ever had a healthy relationship with it.

I've been facing some of the pain, working on figuring out why I felt the need to numb the pain for so many years.  I'm realizing how a lot of the messages that I got as a child contributed to that need to numb everything.  I love my parents and think that they did an amazing job at parenting considering that they married so young and didn't receive a lot of parenting tools from their parents.  Both of my parents were raised in homes where appearances were important, and that was something that they both expected of me and my siblings.

So, if we were upset, we were to go to our rooms until we could be "nice".  If we cried too loudly or too long, we were encouraged to stop and put on happy faces.  Feelings were not to be felt.  We should be polite, happy, and cheerful, with big smiles on our faces.

As a result, I learned to not feel things.  If I was sad or hurt or unhappy, I ate.  I loved sweets and I used them to calm myself down.  I really had no idea how to feel angry!  I remember seeing my therapist one time, and she encouraged me to hit some sort of a tool (I can't even remember what it was, except that it had a long handle and a round thing at the end) on the floor to let our my anger over an old hurt.  I was hesitant, so she asked Nick if he wanted to try it.  The hurt didn't involve him, but he was still upset about it because he knew how much it affected me.  So, he started hitting the floor...and I went into a full state of panic!  My heart was beating wildly, and I begged him to stop.

Not only could I not feel my anger, I couldn't stand to watch someone else show anger!

I don't blame my parents or anyone else for any of this.  I've just realized that bottling up my feelings for so many years is hurting me instead of serving me.  I'm now actively working on feeling them, and I'm convinced that by doing so, I'll no longer need to self-medicate with food.

Attitude Adjustment

For a while now, I've felt like I've been stuck in a stressful life, with no way out.  It's not as if it's a relationship from which I can walk away.  I love my kids more than anything, but the stress here is through the roof.  This week alone, my oldest (16) got blood work that showed crazy high sugar levels, very elevated cholesterol, and elevated red blood cells, among other things.  My second son, who is autistic and hormonal, is so depressed that there's been talk of suicide.  My daughter is regressing emotionally and refuses to open up.  My youngest, who just turned eight, is in a partial program at a psychiatric facility, while they're still trying to sort out diagnoses and medications.  The car battery decided to die today, even though it's not old, the kids' toilet broke and leaked, leaving a huge toilet-shaped stain on the kitchen ceiling, and the skylight in our bathroom is leaking and someone came out this afternoon and said that there's mold in the attic surrounding it. 



I’m dealing with this on very little sleep and while in constant pain.  I got up early today for a chiropractor appointment.  After the appointment, Nick asked me how my knees were doing.  I told him that I’d just been thinking about the fact that they weren’t bad, considering that I was scheduled for total knee replacements in 2008 and still haven’t gotten the surgery.  I came home and was quickly picking up the house because the guy was coming over to look at the skylight.  I had an armload of stuff, and as I stepped forward and bent down to pick up one last sock, my left sandal somehow got caught on the hem of my right pants leg.  I fell, landing hard on my right knee and then hitting my head.  Seriously?  Right after I’d made the comment about my knees feeling good?


Even though it’s crazy, I’m fine this very second.  Why?  Because of my attitude.  I’m consciously choosing to change that attitude, which I previously didn’t think was possible.  I used to believe that no one could go through what I do on a regular basis without a release.  My release was food, and I was convinced that I was entitled, that I wouldn’t survive without it.  When I cut out my comfort foods, I eventually replaced them with wine, again justifying it.  When I stopped that, there was nothing left to do except deal with the situation. 


So, when my youngest is raging, I remind myself that he is hurting, and that he can be the sweetest most loveable little boy, and that I went for many years without children and now I’m blessed to have a child.  With every bad situation, there’s always good somewhere in my life.  It’s up to me to find it and be thankful for it.


It reminds me of the time when my kids were younger and were in that mode where they continually created a new mess as I was cleaning up the old mess.  I looked around my house and wanted to cry.  Then, in the midst of piles of Lego and matchbox cars, books and dirty dishes, I saw on my dining room table, a single flower in a vase.  I chose to focus on the beauty of that flower instead of the chaos surrounding it, and it brought a smile to my face.


It’s all about attitude.

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. 

 

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

 

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. 

 

And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes. 

 

~ Charles Swindoll

My New Mantra