Feelings

So, this journey of mine has taken a bit of a turn recently.  I'm focusing less on the food itself, and more on the reasons that may be responsible for me having such a messed up relationship with food for so long.

I've used food in so many ways.  I've controlled and restricted it so that I would look good physically.  I've abused it and turned to it for comfort, in an attempt to dull the pain.  I don't feel that I've ever had a healthy relationship with it.

I've been facing some of the pain, working on figuring out why I felt the need to numb the pain for so many years.  I'm realizing how a lot of the messages that I got as a child contributed to that need to numb everything.  I love my parents and think that they did an amazing job at parenting considering that they married so young and didn't receive a lot of parenting tools from their parents.  Both of my parents were raised in homes where appearances were important, and that was something that they both expected of me and my siblings.

So, if we were upset, we were to go to our rooms until we could be "nice".  If we cried too loudly or too long, we were encouraged to stop and put on happy faces.  Feelings were not to be felt.  We should be polite, happy, and cheerful, with big smiles on our faces.

As a result, I learned to not feel things.  If I was sad or hurt or unhappy, I ate.  I loved sweets and I used them to calm myself down.  I really had no idea how to feel angry!  I remember seeing my therapist one time, and she encouraged me to hit some sort of a tool (I can't even remember what it was, except that it had a long handle and a round thing at the end) on the floor to let our my anger over an old hurt.  I was hesitant, so she asked Nick if he wanted to try it.  The hurt didn't involve him, but he was still upset about it because he knew how much it affected me.  So, he started hitting the floor...and I went into a full state of panic!  My heart was beating wildly, and I begged him to stop.

Not only could I not feel my anger, I couldn't stand to watch someone else show anger!

I don't blame my parents or anyone else for any of this.  I've just realized that bottling up my feelings for so many years is hurting me instead of serving me.  I'm now actively working on feeling them, and I'm convinced that by doing so, I'll no longer need to self-medicate with food.