Attitude Adjustment

For a while now, I've felt like I've been stuck in a stressful life, with no way out.  It's not as if it's a relationship from which I can walk away.  I love my kids more than anything, but the stress here is through the roof.  This week alone, my oldest (16) got blood work that showed crazy high sugar levels, very elevated cholesterol, and elevated red blood cells, among other things.  My second son, who is autistic and hormonal, is so depressed that there's been talk of suicide.  My daughter is regressing emotionally and refuses to open up.  My youngest, who just turned eight, is in a partial program at a psychiatric facility, while they're still trying to sort out diagnoses and medications.  The car battery decided to die today, even though it's not old, the kids' toilet broke and leaked, leaving a huge toilet-shaped stain on the kitchen ceiling, and the skylight in our bathroom is leaking and someone came out this afternoon and said that there's mold in the attic surrounding it. 



I’m dealing with this on very little sleep and while in constant pain.  I got up early today for a chiropractor appointment.  After the appointment, Nick asked me how my knees were doing.  I told him that I’d just been thinking about the fact that they weren’t bad, considering that I was scheduled for total knee replacements in 2008 and still haven’t gotten the surgery.  I came home and was quickly picking up the house because the guy was coming over to look at the skylight.  I had an armload of stuff, and as I stepped forward and bent down to pick up one last sock, my left sandal somehow got caught on the hem of my right pants leg.  I fell, landing hard on my right knee and then hitting my head.  Seriously?  Right after I’d made the comment about my knees feeling good?


Even though it’s crazy, I’m fine this very second.  Why?  Because of my attitude.  I’m consciously choosing to change that attitude, which I previously didn’t think was possible.  I used to believe that no one could go through what I do on a regular basis without a release.  My release was food, and I was convinced that I was entitled, that I wouldn’t survive without it.  When I cut out my comfort foods, I eventually replaced them with wine, again justifying it.  When I stopped that, there was nothing left to do except deal with the situation. 


So, when my youngest is raging, I remind myself that he is hurting, and that he can be the sweetest most loveable little boy, and that I went for many years without children and now I’m blessed to have a child.  With every bad situation, there’s always good somewhere in my life.  It’s up to me to find it and be thankful for it.


It reminds me of the time when my kids were younger and were in that mode where they continually created a new mess as I was cleaning up the old mess.  I looked around my house and wanted to cry.  Then, in the midst of piles of Lego and matchbox cars, books and dirty dishes, I saw on my dining room table, a single flower in a vase.  I chose to focus on the beauty of that flower instead of the chaos surrounding it, and it brought a smile to my face.


It’s all about attitude.