One thing I've learned is that there's a much bigger picture than just the food. The more my food falls into place, the more other, unresolved things pop up. I'm still so reluctant to take care of myself holistically. The food's good? Then I stay up too late, get too involved in projects that are simply a distraction, focus on other people's lives so that I can avoid looking at my own. It's an old pattern, one that I'm willing to address. Sort of. A part of me just doesn't want to go there, but it's time. So, I'm putting it out here, as a way of holding myself accountable. Even if no one ever reads this, it's still here, in writing. I can go and delete it, of course, but I'm going to work hard to avoid doing so.
I'm proclaiming the month of November self-care month.
I'm starting tomorrow with a day of pampering.
Deep breath.
A local special needs group holds a day of pampering for caregivers every November. Every year, I sign up. Every year, for the past three (or four?) years, I've cancelled.
I don't feel pamperable. I know that's not a word, but it suits my purpose here, so I'm sticking with it.
All of my focus is on my kids. Self-care is a thing of the past. Of course, that's the whole purpose of the day tomorrow, because so many caregivers don't ever focus on themselves!
Things that I used to do without hesitation - massages, hair care, facials, manicures and pedicures, a fancy lunch out - are foreign to me now. They're part of a world to which I no longer belong, and it feels uncomfortable to reenter that world.
I'm going to push through that discomfort tomorrow, and I know that once I get there, I'm going to love every minute of it.
From that starting point, I'm going to complete a daily checklist of self-care essentials: sleep, drinking enough water, daily affirmations, and at least one documented form of physical self-care.
My tendencies are to throw myself in to something new like this, get overwhelmed, and eventually quit. To avoid that, I'm going to start small, with just a few things, and work from there.
It's time.
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I've really neglected this blog!
Life has been extra crazy lately, even by my family's standards. I've learned and continue to learn to take one step at a time, to appreciate even the smallest of good things in my day, to be thankful for what I have, and to accept myself, imperfections and all.
My diet hasn't been perfect. I've tried some different foods, some of which worked for me, and some that didn't because they caused cravings. Right now, I'm keeping it very basic: oats and fruit or a smoothie for breakfast, a huge salad for lunch, and brown rice or potatoes piled high with veggies for dinner.
I've been spending a lot of time in the pool, even when the weather has been cold and the (unheated) water feels freezing! It's a great stress reliever because I have to keep moving fast to keep warm, and I can feel myself relaxing a little bit.
I had a doctor's appointment the other day, and I was scared to go in there because I'd been running from one thing to the next all morning, putting out fires, and getting bad news about my child's health. I was honestly shaking and my heart was pounding when I got there, and I was sure that my blood pressure was going to be through the roof. When they took it, it was 100/60!!! I couldn't believe it! Pretty darned good for someone who was diagnosed with hypertension last year!
So, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, knowing that this is the best I can do under really trying circumstances. Ideally, I'd love to be going to bed early, getting up early and meditating and journaling, doing some yoga, walking, preparing salads with more varied veggies, and taking time to relax and have fun. That's not my reality right now, but that's okay. It doesn't mean that it will never happen!
Today, I accept my life the way it is, I accept myself the way I am, and I move forward, at whatever pace I can.
It feels so much better to live this way than it did when I was full of self-condemnation!
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