Craziness!

I'm getting a little crazy.

I figure it's okay as long as I know that I'm crazy.  It's when I don't know that the trouble begins!  :)

I'm having these crazy internal dialogues.  They're going on because the Biggest Loser competition I joined is coming to an end.

As I said, I wasn't going to join.  I'm glad I did because it was the kick in the pants I needed to get started.  It's kept me accountable with weekly weigh-ins that aren't particularly healthy for me emotionally, but I've been okay with them.

Until now.

There are just twelve days left.  And I'm panicking.

Deep down, I don't care if I win.  The competition has served its purpose, and I should just leave it at that.

But, there's also that strong competitive drive lurking inside, and it keeps rearing its ugly head!

I've entered similar contests, years ago.  A bunch of people got together, paid their dues, and whomever lost the greatest percentage of their original body weight won the money.

Let's just say that I'm used to winning.  I won in various unhealthy ways, but I won.

With this competition, the chance of me winning is slim.  Out of 46 people, I've lost the greatest number of pounds, but am in third place for percentage of weight lost.  I should be happy with that, and truthfully, I am.

Until the competitive voice starts in again...

If I starve myself from now on, I could drop a bunch of weight.  Or maybe I'll do a juice fast, and walk in the pool for five hours a day...

This is my crazy thinking.  It's tied to starvation, binge eating, and a very unstable relationship with food.

I don't want anything to do with it anymore.  I'm sane while eating the way I'm eating.  Why would I want to jeopardize that?  To win a prize? 

The truth is that I would much rather have a healthy long-term relationship with food than win a contest.

Of course, there's another competition starting on September 18th, and I toy with the idea of entering again, thinking that maybe I'll work harder and lose more weight and win!

This is the craziness that goes on in my head, and it's only the beginning if I stray from the Protective Diet.

So, I'm putting it here, in writing, that I'm going to finish the competition in 12 days, I'm going to pat myself on the back for a job well done, and then I'm going to put away my scale and focus on continuing to eat the way I've been eating.  Restored health is the only prize I need.