It's the Holiday Season...

This used to be my favorite time of the year!  I love the holidays and have great memories of family celebrations while growing up.

Now, I start getting that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, usually starting in mid-October.  I scheme about how I can get out of celebrating the holidays, even going as far as to hope that I'll get the flu so that I don't have to deal with any of it.

There's only one reason for this:  my weight.

I dread celebrating with my husband's family.  I can't stand feeling fat and uncomfortable around them.  I can't stand the looks I get from people who haven't seen me since I gained so much weight.

Each year, I somehow get through it, whether it's struggling through or staying at home, alone.  Each year, I swear that I'm not going to go through that again, that I'm going to start my diet right after the holidays, lose tons of weight before the following year's holidays, and then attend, full of confidence.  I'll never have to endure those sweeping head to toe glances again, or pose, with a fake smile plastered on my face, for family pictures, cringing when I see the finished photo.

My poor husband has been dealing with all of this for years.  He understands my discomfort all too well.  He loves me unconditionally, and has been with me while I've been all over the scale.  He knows that I isolate when I'm heavy, and he knows that I die inside when men pay the wrong kind of attention to me when I'm thin.  Still, he's stuck in the middle, wanting to be with me over the holidays, but also wanting to be with his extended family.

This year, I've been eating sanely since June.  I have lost weight and I'm feeling better, but I'm still overweight and still sick in many ways.  I live with relentless headaches, blurry vision, and constant pain, which makes it very uncomfortable to be in large groups of loud people.  I do much better with smaller groups!

I don't know what will happen this year.  I'm working hard on self-acceptance and I can feel a change inside.  I know that I'm doing the best thing that I can do for myself, but I also know that it's going to take time because I have a lot of healing to do.

So, I keep working on it and try to keep communication open with Nick.  Honestly, though, my dream would be to run away and spend the holidays in a beautiful remote cabin in the snowy woods somewhere...with my immediate family only!  :)