Thanksgivng Anxiety and Self-Acceptance

I put a lot of energy into freaking out about spending Thanksgiving with Nick's extended family.  Not as much as I've done other years, but it was still a lot... 


I was anxious about a lot of things:

1. I'm fat.

2. I eat differently than everyone else.

3. People would talk about my diet and then wonder why I was fat on a plant-based diet.

4. People who hadn't seen me since I put on so much weight.  Again.

5. Having to take family pictures.

6. Feeling like I ruin the family pictures because I'm fat.

7. I'm gray.  I love my gray hair but most people hadn't seen it yet and I didn't want one more thing to draw attention to myself.

8. I'm fat.

So...lots of anxiety, lots of putting Nick in a bad place as I anguished about having to go.  I tried to work on acceptance, but I'm not there yet.  I managed a little bit, but not enough to take away the anxiety.


The outcome?  I had a great time!  Nobody threw up when they saw me; in fact, I repeatedly heard how glad different people were to see me there.

I brought my dinner, and no one cared about what I ate.  Nick had said that he would eat a plant-based meal with me so that I would be more comfortable, and I honestly don't know if he did or not, and he was sitting right next to me!  That's how little attention I paid to what anyone else was eating: just as little attention as anyone paid to what I was eating!

One person asked if I was a vegetarian, and when I said yes, she said that she was, too.  Then she asked if I was vegan, and I said yes.  She said that she could never give up her cheese and eggs...and then proceeded to talk about herself.  It just wasn't a big deal.

I survived the pictures, but I did so by saying what I wanted.  I didn't want to sit down (most of my weight is in my stomach); I wanted to stand.  So I stood.  I haven't seen the pictures yet.  There have been a number of times that I've gone out, thinking that I looked okay, only to be devastated when I saw pictures of myself!  I'm working on changing my attitude about that.



I was thankful for feeling well enough to spend the holiday with my family, which included cooking my own meals the day before, and several hours of travel on Thanksgiving day.  I couldn't have pulled that off six months ago.  Last year, I spent almost every holiday alone because I was too sick to travel, which was really hard.  I didn't feel deserted because I encouraged Nick to take the kids so that they wouldn't miss out, but it was still difficult being alone.

On Thanksgiving, and on every day, I'm working on enjoying the journey, and acceptance of myself and where I am in the journey.  I know that I'm heading in the right direction, taking it one step at a time.  I'm sometimes my own worst enemy, but I know that if I can accept the here and now, my journey will be easier and more enjoyable.