Thoughts on Day 218

I never want to become complacent. 

I realized today that I'm on day 218.  I can actually say that I'm proud of that!  It feels good.  The food tastes delicious and I'm comfortable with it, and also willing to try new things.  I feel off if I haven't had enough greens or fruit.  I want to put good things into my body.  I want to heal.

Still, I don't want to let my guard down.  While I don't view this as a battle, rather a way of life, I know that if I become complacent or lax, I will be in trouble.  It's so easy to eat this way and to live this way, but it will always require planning and preparation.

So, the food is in place, but there are warning signs, behaviors that concern me:


1.  I've stopped putting myself first and am getting caught up in all of the things that need to be done.

2.  I'm staying up extremely late and not getting enough sleep.

3.  I haven't been successful at conscious eating, and seem to panic at the thought of eating without a screen or a book.

4.  I'm playing solitaire on the computer.

5.  I'm not paying attention to when I'm truly hungry and full.

6.  I'm not exercising.


I've stopped putting myself first and am getting caught up in all of the things that need to be done.
One of my children is really struggling, which means tension in the house, and scheduling doctors and therapists, consultations, changes in therapy, lots and lots of paperwork, and stress.  A lot of stress.   When I started this journey, I told myself that my life is going to have lots of ups and downs and stress, and I needed to accept that and stop putting myself last.  I did well with that for awhile but noticed that I've slipped back into my old ways of putting everyone and everything else first.

I'm staying up extremely late and not getting enough sleep.
I stay up late for a number of reasons:

1.  I relish the silence and feel like I need that quiet, alone time.
2.  I'm often too tired/worn out to go up to bed, so I just continue to sit downstairs.
3.  I didn't finished dishes and laundry, and can't find the energy to do them before I go to bed.
4.  I'm caught up in working on the computer.
5.  I don't use self-discipline.

I haven't been successful at conscious eating, and seem to panic at the thought of eating without a screen or a book.
I haven't figured out why I'm so resistant to conscious eating.  I'm extremely uncomfortable with it and I'm not sure why.  I love my food, and do take the time to notice what I'm eating and how it tastes, but I do that while reading!

I'm playing solitaire on the computer.
Solitaire is mindless, and for whatever reason, I'm feeling the need to tune out again.

I'm not paying attention to when I'm truly hungry and full.
I used to be in a program in which I weighed and measured everything I ate, and ate at the same time each day.  In many ways, I really liked it.  It was consistent, and I was never hungry and never too full.  But, I was on autopilot.  I didn't need to pay attention to what my body might be telling me.  I'm honestly tempted to return to that, even though I think that that's just an excuse to not have to pay attention to conscious eating.  I have a complex relationship with food and emotions, and I know that it's going to require a lot of effort on my part to figure it out.  I suppose that wanting to weigh and measure is the easy way out.

I'm not exercising.
I'm not exercising because I can't walk in our pool, and I'm too self-conscious to go to a public pool because of the lymphedema.  I don't even wear capris in public, let alone a bathing suit!  I'm moving around more, which is great, but I'm not ready to start a walking regimen.  I  had a few chair exercises, but they were kind of boring and somewhat painful.  Last but not least, I'm just not using self-discipline!  I know that it's lame, but the truth is that I absolutely love walking in the pool, and I want to do something that I love.  I told Nick that I want to move south so that I can do that year-round!

Julie has addressed some of these things in PD-Ed, and it's time to look at them.  The food preparation is second nature now, so I can focus on the emotional aspects of regaining my health.

Because it's so easy to point out the negative things about myself or the many ways that I feel like I'm not measuring up, I'm going to end with some positives.  I have to come up with six of them, to match the six areas where I feel that I'm falling short.

1.  I've eaten a PD for 218 days.

Thinking, thinking...

2.  I've stayed committed to keeping up with my blog and FB page.

3.  I've stayed active in PDL.

4.  I haven't let myself get into debates about the way I eat.

5.  I'm being honest with myself about my struggles.

6.  I'm focusing on doing what I need to do for myself without worrying about what other people think.