Monday, 9/30/13

Today was a little bit better in the pain department.  I was able to do more, which felt good.  I still couldn't do the cooking I wanted to do, but I did make my lunch.  I also got out in the pool, even though it was so cold!  The water wasn't any colder, but it was cloudy and breezy, and I just couldn't get warm.  It's supposed to warm up.  I sure hope so!

I always do lots of thinking when I walk in the pool, and today I was continuing to notice how antsy I've been lately because I want results now and I don't think I'm losing weight quickly enough.  It suddenly occurred to me that maybe I could just stop all of that.  I think that I value myself in terms of my progress, and I have to show people that I'm losing x amount of pounds or inches or whatever.  So, maybe I could just forget that and just eat the way I'm eating, not set any goals, not get on the scale at all, and just live this way.  Maybe I could even forget that I'm trying to lose weight.  I don't know...it's just something that popped into my head today.




Breakfast: Oatmeal, Apples, Bananas, Blueberries

Lunch: Spaghetti and Peas

Dinner: Marinated tofu, corn, Blueberry Banana Oatmeal to Go


Exercise: 1 1/4 hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Sunday, 9/29/13

Tough day today.  The pain is bad, to the point where I had to miss out on some things I really wanted to do today.  I'm feeling discouraged.  I was upset about the way I've been eating, but reminded myself that this is my life, and I'm doing the best I can.  My hubby made the oatmeal and potatoes before he and the kids left for the day, so that's what I ate.  I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow! 


Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries, apples, and bananas

Lunch: Fingerling Potatoes with Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Fingerling Potatoes with Chipotle Mayo, Cherry Tomatoes, Raspberries

The Gift

I haven't done a good job of dealing with the death of loved ones. My inclination is to move on, telling myself that I've dealt with it and that I'm okay. I did this with my baby daughter's death, with my three early pregnancy losses, with my favorite forever dog, my beautiful forever cat, friends, and my mom.

My mom had hospice, and they offered us free bereavement counseling for a year after her death.
I couldn't do it. 

They sent monthly support letters.
Those letters are in my drawer, unopened. I just couldn't deal with it.

Losing her was so much bigger than I'd ever imagined it would be, and I didn't know what to do with it. I sure couldn't lean on past experience; I didn't have any!

About six months ago, my sister brought a bag to me, saying that some of Mom's things were in it. That bag sat in the back of my closet all that time. I just got to a place where I felt that I could open it up.

There were some letters that I'd written to her, my first and third grade report cards, one of her journals, and some souvenirs from her travels around the world. It was interesting to look at these things, but it wasn't until I came across a small piece of paper that I knew that it was the right time to go through the bag.

 

The Lord loves you

You are beautiful

You have many important things to do

You are being led

The Lord's love flows through you to others

You make a difference in this world

You matter 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I honestly felt as though she were talking to me.  

This is something I've struggled with ~ feeling unlovable ~ unworthy ~ useless ~ floundering, without direction.  Most people who know me would never guess that I feel this way, but deep down, I do.

I needed to hear her words right now, even though she didn't actually speak to me, to help me keep on going with the emotional aspect of this journey.  I'm letting go of those lies, and leaning on the truth.  I'm also feeling peace with the loss of my loved ones.

What a gift.   

 

Y M I FAT?

I once saw a license plate that read: Y  M  I  FAT.

I've been contemplating that very question.

As much as I love The Protective Diet, I don't love the word diet.  In the past, I've gone on diets, lost my weight, and stopped the diet.  Of course, the weight came back on.  And then some...

Even after realizing that diets don't work, I tried different ways of eating, but they just weren't right for me.  I believe that The Protective Diet is right for me, but I sure don't view it as a diet.  It's how I live.  Period.

I don't believe that I can stick with The Protective Diet if I don't come to grips with how and why I got this way.

I believe that it's twofold.

First of all, I'm addicted to sugar.  But, it's not just the sugar.  Although I probably could take a spoonful of sugar just to get it into my system, I wouldn't continually binge on sugar alone.  It's the combination of sugar with fats and processed grains that I'll binge on every time.  I used to wonder why I couldn't stop binging when other people could eat one bite or one piece and stop.  I no longer care.  I just accept that that's the way I am. 

The other part is the emotional part.  For some reason, I thought that I was different, that the typical reasons that people medicated with food didn't apply to me.  Sure, I'd been through some abuse, but I was over it.  I'd dealt with it and it had nothing to do with why I was so overweight, or why I lost the weight and felt good, only to regain it all.

The last time I lost a lot of weight - over 100 pounds - my husband says that he remembers the exact moment that I started gaining the weight back.  It was after someone, a guy almost 20 years younger than me who had never seen me thin, said how hot I was.

Although I denied it at the time, I now know that it's true.  I couldn't handle that remark and I couldn't handle the attention.

Time to hide again...

I didn't talk about the abuse for a long time.  I blamed myself.  I had absolutely no reason for self-blame, but I felt such shame about it.  There were two separate incidents that both occurred when I was in my late teens.  The first incident happened when I spent the weekend at an older friend's college. I was drugged, thrown into a van, and gang raped.  Someone finally came to my rescue, only to rape me, too.  Someone else rescued me and drove me back to the school.  The following day, I got a bad cut in my foot, ended up with blood poisoning, and spent weeks recovering.  Not a great weekend...

The other incident again involved abduction, but this time I was held against my will for a year, during which time I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused.  I had a gun held up to me more than once, and I once tried to escape and was hunted in the woods.  After the police rescued me, I had to testify against him.  He swore that, if it was the last thing he ever did, he would find me, and kill me...but not after killing all of my family members while I watched.

My parents meant well, but their solution was for me to never bring up the incident again.  So, it festered inside, rearing its ugly head in the form of anxiety attacks, nightmares, and weight gain.  I kept trying to stuff it back down with food.

After all these years, I still feel some anxiety while writing this, and I'm so tempted to delete it.  I will leave it, though, in the hopes that someone else who may have experienced something similar and suffered with some form of addiction as a result, will read it and know that they're not alone and that they can overcome it.  Instead of shame, I now feel compassion for the young girl who went through such horrific things, and wasn't given any tools to help her through them.

Today, I know that none of it was my fault, that I in no way deserved it, and that healing is possible.  I no longer need to use food to try to make it go away.  I truly believe that this is healing from food addiction: removing all addictive foods, 100%, and letting past traumas come to the surface and coming face to face with them.  It's not easy but I'm so thankful to be on this journey.

It's time to heal.

Saturday, 9/28/13

I'm paying the price for staying up so late last night.  I'm tired, have no energy, and just want to eat comfort food.  I made breakfast (which was delicious!), but that's about it.  Oh, and I tried to make muffins but they didn't work out.  Thankfully, I had leftovers for lunch and dinner.  Otherwise, it was a good day!


Breakfast: Fruit and Oats Breakfast



Homemade Applesauce...the whole jar!  :)

Lunch:  Creamy Mushroom Soup over Brown Rice Pasta with sauteed Vidalia Onions, Baby Bella Mushrooms, and Baby Spinach

Pumpkin Muffins

Dinner: Yellow Split Pea Soup

Friday, 9/27/13

Today's meals weren't the prettiest meals, but they were delicious!  Nick didn't love the Yellow Split Pea Soup, but as he pointed out, I'm the lentil/split pea fan in the house, not him.  Fair enough.  :) 

Today is Day 100 without meat, dairy, oils/fats, nuts, sugars/dried fruit.  I've been getting a bit impatient, wanting to just move this whole process along.  I'm just acknowledging these feelings, and then letting them go.  I watched an interview with a woman who lost 100 pounds on Dr. McDougall's plan, and she talked about losing five pounds a month, and then before she knew it, she'd lost a noticeable amount of weight.  It reminded me to just trust and enjoy the process.  I'm certainly enjoying the food, so I've decided to be content with that.

My pain level was a little less today.  I was able to stand longer than I could yesterday, and the pain wasn't as severe.  I'll take that any day!

It was very cloudy and cold today, and I didn't exercise.  The pool is the only exercise I trust why my back is still this unstable.  Tomorrow is supposed to be nicer.

I spent part of my evening rolling raw organic chocolate truffles!  Not an activity I would have chosen, but I did it to help my hubby, who had a lot of them to make.  I made them look beautiful, but I was not the least bit tempted to taste them.  Now, that's a miracle!

Also, just to keep this honest, it's now 2:00 AM, and I'm still up.  Ugh.  I'm going to bed now!!


Brunch: Pasta with Creamy Mushroom Soup and Sauteed Vidalia Onions, Baby Bella Mushrooms, and Baby Spinach
 

Frozen Cacao

Dinner: Yellow Split Pea Soup, Apple

Food for Life English Muffin, Cheeze Sauce

Thursday, 9/26/13

I'm still in a lot of pain today, but I'm okay with it.  I know that the healing process is often one step forward, two steps back.  I may have overdone it the other day, but I'm just thankful that I felt well enough to overdo it!  I'm being more cautious now.  My diet wasn't the most imaginative today because I made dinner for the family and ran out of steam before making mine. 


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip

Frozen Cacao

Dinner: Baked Potatoes with Cheeze Sauce and Vegan Sour Cream


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool

Wednesday, 9/25/13

I am really hurting after yesterday, so no exercising today.  I was pretty uncreative with the food today, too, because I ran out of steam after making lunch.  I plan to feel better tomorrow because I have lots of things I want to do!


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Dinner: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Peaches

Tuesday, 9/24/13

I got some more sleep last night, in spite of being woken up several times by my cute little boy!  I felt much better today.  I saw my endocrinologist this morning.  I saw her peeking out of her door when I was in the waiting room, and she later told me that she was noticing how well I was getting around!  She's very happy with my progress, and I don't need to get labs done or see her for six months!  Since I usually go every three months, that's definitely a good thing!  She did tell me to keep exercising as much as I can in order to get my HDL up a bit.

After the appointment, I was feeling so good that I agreed to go on a *date* with hubby...to Costco!  He lured me there with talk of my favorite giant baking potatoes!  :)  He wanted me to get one of those electric carts to ride, but I told him I was going to walk!  We were there for over an hour and I walked around the entire store.  I can't remember the last time I was there (or in any other store), but it's been several years.  It felt so good to get out.

After that, I braved the 63-degree water in the pool for some more walking.

Now, I'm tired and in a fair amount of pain, but I feel so good about what I accomplished today that I don't even mind the pain!


Breakfast: Roasted Veggie; Peaches

Lunch: Salad: lettuce, tomato, red peppers, carrots, cucumbers;  Chickpea Salad (I added Kelp Powder and Old Bay Seasoning - yum!!); Peaches

Dinner: Pot Pie-less Pie (this is one of my new absolute favorites!!) over a GF English Muffin, Frozen Cacao

Pumpkin Spice Hot Cocoa (I played with this recipe and couldn't get it to where I wanted it.  I used 1 dropper of vanilla stevia and it was still bitter.  So I added another 1/2 dropper and it tasted too strongly of stevia.  I added another Tbsp of cacao powder, but that didn't help much.  So I added a large ripe banana, which helped, but it still wasn't great.  I added a second smaller banana, and drank some of it that way.  The banana flavor overtook the pumpkin pie flavor a bit, of course, but I found that preferable to the overpowering stevia taste.  Don't really plan on making this one again...I didn't even finish it.)


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool; walked around Costco!  :)

Monday, 9/23/13

I stayed up way too late last night (3:00 AM!), had some stressful things go on today, and paid the price tonight with a horrible attitude and no patience!  Tonight's goal is to get to bed at a decent hour!  I had delicious food today, and I'm grateful for that.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, which means getting on the scale...something that I always find unnerving.  I haven't weighed in over two weeks, and am instead trying to focus on trusting the process while ignoring the scale.  I'm not sure why I have no problem telling my primary doctor that I don't want to get on the scale, but haven't yet told my endocrinologist the same thing.  Hmm...maybe I'll try just saying NO tomorrow!


Breakfast: GF English Muffin, tofu, Creamy Mushroom Soup.  Peach.

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Dinner: Pot Pie-less Pie , GF English Muffin.  Cacao Ice Cream (made in our new Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker.  Yummy!!)

Saying Goodbye to Guilt

 
I think that I have too many thoughts today, but I'm determined to learn how to not stuff my feelings (with food or otherwise), so I'm going to attempt to let this out.

A friend of mine died yesterday.  She choked to death.

I'm pissed that it happened, and I'm devastated that she was alone.

I choked once, and it was awful.  Terrifying, in fact.  I was eating ground beef (another great reason to give up that junk!), and the phone rang.  I started to tell my kids not to answer it, and as I breathed in to speak, a bit of ground beef went down wrong.  I couldn't speak and I couldn't breathe.  I watched in horror as all four of my kids stood around me, tears streaming down their faces, screaming at me to breathe.  I grabbed the phone to dial 911, and my oldest son panicked and threw a glass of water in my face.  I managed to calm myself down and dislodge the food.  It was a horrible thing for my kids to witness, but I can't even imagine being alone during it.

In addition to the anger and the sadness about what my friend endured, I'm experiencing guilt.  Guilt because I said that I was going to write to her and I didn't.  And now it's too late; I lost my chance.

I have lots of reasons/excuses:

It's hard for me to write because of the pain in my hands.  I could have written it on the computer.

It's hard for me to write because my eyesight isn't great.  Ditto about the computer.

My memory is terrible and I forgot.  I did forget, but then I remembered, and I could have written then.


My life is crazy taking care of four kids with special needs and trying to keep up with my health issues, too.

I can't counter that because it really is the truth and it prevents me from doing a lot of things I want to do.


But, deep down, I don't think that's good enough.  I beat myself up for failing, for not doing more.  I think it's a lame excuse and I think I'm lame.


I have to go outside of myself.  Would I fault a friend for the same thing if she were in my shoes?

No.  I would show compassion.


So, is it enough that I cared about my friend, and that I wanted to be there for her?  I don't know.  I'd like it to be enough.  I'd like to really believe and know in my gut that it's enough.  I do know that I don't want to carry around any additional unresolved guilt.  I'm just not sure I know how to let go.

All I can say is this:

My dear friend,

I'm sad that your life was cut short and that you died alone.  I really wish that I'd written to you, and I know that, if you could, you would give me that big smile and tell me that it's okay.  I'm so happy that you're with your mom and dad because I know how much you missed them.  I will miss you.

Until we meet again...

Sunday, 9/22/13

Good day today.  Had a house full of kids (11?) all day.  I didn't get to cook as much as I wanted to, and I didn't make my salad.  I'll focus on a big salad tomorrow.


Breakfast: Fruit Salad: watermelon, honeydew melon, cantaloupe, kiwi, blueberries, bananas, apples

Lunch: Baked Tortilla Chips, fresh salsa, chickpeas, Vegan Mayo

Dinner: Creamy Mushroom Soup

Peach

Tackling Fears and Self-Doubt

Yesterday was such an emotionally charged day.  My friend told me that her husband, who works in the music industry, got my favorite singer to come sing at their block party.  They know how much I like her, and wanted to be sure that I came and got to meet her.

So, I was faced with this amazing opportunity...and the challenge of going out, something I rarely do.  Each time I thought I couldn't do it, there was a solution. 

My husband was going to be working, and I haven't driven in almost two years because my eyesight was affected by the tumor.  So, he asked his parents to come for the weekend, and his mom drove me. 

I wasn't sure how much walking I could do.  Problem solved: all I had to do was give my name, and they let us through to park where the band parks, close to the stage.  There was a chair for me, right up front.

With the physical problems taken care of, I had to tackle the emotional aspects of it.  The kids were out of control all morning, leaving me exhausted and in tears.

My mind swirled with doubts:

I'm too fat to go do this.  

I don't want to meet her because of the way I look.  

I should just stay home.  I can just listen to her music at home.

I pushed through the doubts, but it wasn't easy.  I had to just take it one minute at a time, and force the thoughts about the future out of my head.

The concert was amazing, as I knew it would be.  I had to work hard to focus on the music, though, instead of worrying about being self-conscious when meeting her afterwards.

In the end, I met her and got my CD's signed, and {gasp} even got my picture taken with her.  I dreaded that the most, and I'll be honest and say that I haven't even really looked at the pictures yet!  My husband looked and said that they're good.  I glanced, from across the room, and decided to view those pictures as a part of this amazing journey.  They're hard for me to look at now, but at some point, I'll be able to look closely at them and appreciate them as the time when I started feeling well enough to go out and do things again, while on the road to regaining my health.

I'm really glad I pushed through the fears and went!  My plan now is to continue to enjoy this journey instead of hiding until I reach my goals.

Saturday, 9/21/13

Crazy, crazy, crazy day.  Can't even write at this point.  Didn't eat over it, so I'm happy.  More tomorrow!


Breakfast: Fruit Salad: watermelon, honeydew melon, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, kiwi, banana

Lunch: E2 Sprouted Ancient Grains Tortilla, lettuce, tomato, Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, cucumber, tofu, Ranch Dressing; Baked Tortilla Chips, salsa, Frozen Cacao

Friday, 9/20/13

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a kiddo having an asthma attack and discovered that I was having back spams.  I think I overdid it in the pool yesterday.  It's frustrating because I think that I just need to work my muscles harder, but with my back, I guess that isn't always the case.  I went back in the pool today but moved a little bit slower.  So far, so good!

Breakfast: Oatmeal, blueberries, apples

Banana

Lunch: E2 Sprouted Ancient Grains Tortilla, Faux Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Salad: lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red cabbage, radishes, onion, Ranch Dressing; Baked Tortilla Chips, Chipotle Mayo


Exercise: Walking/exercising in the pool for 2 hours

Thursday, 9/19/13

I was so hungry today but didn't feel up to making anything else, which was probably a good thing!  It was a beautiful day and I loved being in the pool.  The water was still cold but the sun was hot and felt so good.  Kids are extra crazy today but I'm practicing breathing instead of shoving food in my mouth.  It's a great substitution!  :)


Breakfast: Apples, Strawberries

Banana

Lunch: Black Bean Soup, tomatoes, Vegan Sour Cream

Applesauce

Dinner: Spicy Stuffed Potatoes, corn, Pico de Gallo, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream, Salad: red leaf lettuce, tomatoes, dressing


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Wednesday, 9/18/13

Feeling good today.  Swam in the frigid waters - at least my face was warm from the sun!  Very emotional later on after reading Truth From Parents of Children Who Died.  It was good to feel those emotions without feeling like I needed to stuff them (usually with food!).  Just a huge reminder to live in the present moment, something that I feel like I'm just starting to do again.  It's time.


Breakfast:  Nectarines

Lunch: Mac n Cheeze (used Annie Chun's Brown Rice Pad Thai Noodles and petite peas)

Dinner: Spicy Twice Baked Potatoes , Salad: red & green leaf lettuce, tomato, Ranch Dressing

Peach


Exercise: 1 3/4 hours in pool, walking/exercising

Tuesday, 9/17/13

I meant to make a salad for dinner but got busy and didn't get to it.  I will make a big one tomorrow!  My breakfast and dinner were SO good.  I love eating food that tastes so good and makes me feel so good!  I forced myself to exercise even though it was really, really cold.  I felt good while doing it; I just can't warm up!


Breakfast: Blueberry Banana Oatmeal, Peach

Raspberries

Lunch: Black Bean Soup, Cheeze Sauce

Dinner: Mac n Cheeze with Annie Chun's Brown Rice Pad Thai Noodles and petite peas
Applesauce



Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the frigid pool, exercising and walking

Ninety Days!!

I've been following a plant-based diet for 90 days!  I've stuck with it 100%, and it's paying off.  I want to say that it's been effortless, but that isn't true.  I've made the effort to plan my meals, to make sure that I always have the ingredients I need at home, and to take the time to prepare my meals.  That's been an effort that I've been happy to make.

What has been effortless is adapting to this way of eating.  I've never had food that I love so much, that makes me feel so good after eating it, and that is healing me so quickly!


It's so easy to forget just how awful I felt 90 days ago, but I'm going to try to remember.

I was really depressed and all I wanted to do was to isolate.  Those feelings are gone.  I'm much more social again and don't experience any depression.

I was in a tremendous amount of pain, all of the time.  The pain is still there, but it's not as intense.  I can stand for longer periods of time and walking is easier.

My legs were in awful shape from lymphedema.  The lymphedema is so much better!  I used to have to wrap my legs in layers of bandages every night and wear compression garments every day.  I've maybe had my legs wrapped once since I started, and I've only worn the compression garments two or three times.  That's saying a lot since the heat affects lymphedema and I usually suffer a lot during the summer months.

I had a rash all over my back, chest, stomach, and arms.  The rash is completely gone, for the first time in over 20 years!!!

I had serious insomnia, which had been going on for years.  I've been sleeping better than I have in a long time.  I no longer have any problem falling asleep, and I'm rarely woken up by the pain anymore.

I weighed over 40 pounds more than I do now!


I also have the following Before and Afters:

Before After Blood Pressure 144/101 120/77 Total Cholesterol 217 166 Triglycerides 218 113 LDL 144 112 HDL 35 31 Glucose  104 94
I never dreamed that things could change so much in three short months.  I'm so excited to find out what's going to happen in the next three months!
If anyone is suffering with health problems or excess weight or with just not feeling their best, I'd encourage them to try this.  It's life changing!

Monday, 9/16/13

I wasn't going to go in the pool today because it was cloudy and windy out.  But, when it started getting stressful here, I grabbed my suit and went in.  The water was so cold, but I could feel the stress melt away as I walked faster and faster around the pool.  With special needs kids, the stress isn't going to end, so my job is to figure out how to deal with it.  In the past, it was chocolate and wine.  Today, it was the frigid pool!


Breakfast: Potatoes and Ranch Dressing, Peaches

Lunch: Salad: Red and Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Ranch Dressing, Black Bean Soup, Sour Cream, Cheeze Sauce

Dinner:  Peach, Spinach Lasagna, Cheeze Sauce

Engine 2 Ancient Grains Sprouted Tortillas, Cheeze Sauce



Exercise:  1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in the pool

How Much Do I Want It?

As my health begins to improve, I'm realizing how much I've missed out on in life.  I've stayed at home during day trips, vacations, and holidays.  This is partly because of how sick I've been and partly because I don't want to go anywhere because of my appearance.

My tendency is to put things on hold, telling myself that I'll wait to do them.  Wait until I'm feeling better, wait until I have it together, wait until I've lost weight, wait until my hair grows out...

This is crazy thinking!  :)

I won't go to a bereavement group until I get it together because I don't want to break down in front of people.  There's an excellent group a mile from my house, but I haven't taken advantage of it.  It's been almost 3 1/2 years since my mom died, and I've put my grief on hold by not attending this group.

There's a yearly event for moms with spouses or children with special needs in which they offer a day of pampering, complete with a fancy lunch, motivational speakers, and spa services.  As much as I would love that, maybe even need that, I've yet to go.  Why?  Because I feel like I look too awful.  I've ignored my appearance for so long that I'd be embarrassed for someone to see my hair or my nails up close.  So I sit at home, telling myself that I'll go next time...

One of my favorite singers is giving a concert at a local church next weekend.  It would be an amazing opportunity to see her in such a small setting, and I would really love to go, but as the time approaches, I'm not sure if I will do it.


Someone recently asked, "How far are you willing to go?  How much do you want it?"


This resonated with me, and has helped me get out to the pool when I don't feel up to going or the weather's not great.  Now I'm wondering if I can use it to help me push past other obstacles...obstacles that feel uncomfortable, that I'd rather just run from.

With exercise, the pool is the best option for me right now.  I won't be able to utilize our pool much longer.  Am I willing to go to an indoor public pool?  Do I want it enough to go?  Yes, it will mean getting into a bathing suit.  And yes, it will mean that people will see my legs, which used to be nice looking and are now deformed by lymphedema.  It will mean doing what I need to do for me, even if it means setting aside my pride.

I'm seeing how often I've run from things in my life.  It makes me feel so weak to think that I haven't faced my mom's death, my daughter's death...even my favorite pets' deaths.  I just move on to the next thing.  Someone hurts me, and I move on, rather than deal with it.  In a lot of these instances, I've turned to food, which has also hurt me.

I feel like now is finally the time to live consciously, even when it's painful or uncomfortable.  It's just a matter of how much I want it.

Sunday, 9/15/13

I forced myself into the pool today, despite the 66-degree water!  It was so cold, but invigorating.   For the first time, I was able to run in the pool!  Afterwards, as I was making dinner, I noticed that it wasn't as painful to stand up.  I felt that I could stand up straight, instead of being hunched over in pain, as is usually the case.  It didn't last long, as pain and exhaustion hit tonight, but it gave me a little glimpse of being pain-free.  It also gave me lots of hope for future recovery!


Breakfast: Peaches & Grapes

Lunch: Salad: Red and green leaf lettuce, tomatoes, Ranch Dressing, Baked Tortilla Chips, TJ's Salsa

Dinner: Spinach Lasagna

Bananas & Peaches


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, walking/running/exercising

Saturday, 9/14/13

Quiet day today.  Kind of feel like I'm getting a cold.  Didn't swim because it's soooo cold and windy!

Breakfast: Peaches and bananas, Green Enchiladas

Lunch: Green Enchiladas

Nectarine

Dinner: Mashed Potatoes, Applesauce

Frozen Cacao

Friday, 9/13/13

Breakfast: Peaches, Nectarines, & Bananas

Lunch: Baked Tortilla Chips, Salsa, Vegan Sour Cream

Dinner: Green Enchiladas, Salad: Red & Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Ranch Dressing

Banana


Exercise: 2 hours walking/exercising in pool

Thursday, 9/12/13

Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Baked French Fries, Cheeze Sauce, GF English Muffin, Tomato Slices

Peaches

Dinner: Salad: Red Leaf Lettuce, Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Red Bell Pepper, Carrots, Ranch Dressing, Sweet Potato, Cheeze Sauce


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, swimming/exercising

Twelve Weeks

I started a plant-based 12 weeks ago today.  I can't believe how quickly those 12 weeks passed!  I also can't believe how effortless this has been; I've never once felt deprived, hungry, or tempted by any foods that aren't on plan.  I'm surrounded by people who eat foods that I used to not be able to stop eating.  I've been to birthday parties and barbecues, and was always completely happy with my food.  I chose not to feel different or uncomfortable because I brought my own food and ate differently than everyone else.  I focused on the people, not on the food.  There was more than one time that others complained about overeating or feeling sick from too many sweets.  I'm grateful that I always felt balanced and happy. There were times when I felt like I'd eaten too much, but I never got that bloated, sick feeling.  I love this food!

My weekly weigh-ins with my weight loss group end today.  Up until the very end, I struggled with wanting to restrict my eating because of that last weigh-in.  I thought about doing a juice fast during the last week or two, just to get that final number lower.  I'm so glad I fought those feelings.  From this point on, my focus will not be the scale; it will be following this plan 100% and reaping the benefits!

I didn't win first place in the weight loss competition.  I came in third.  That bothered me at first, especially because it's my birthday and I thought that it would be really cool to win on my birthday.  But, I really did win.  I won freedom from addictive eating, I won by seeing my health slowly improve, I won by being over 40 pounds lighter, and I won from giving myself the enduring gift of healthy eating.

This is just the beginning.  I can't wait to see where I go from here!

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I kind of had a tough time today.  It marked the end of the weight loss competition.  I came in third in terms of percentage of weight lost, and I lost the most pounds of anyone.  A new 12-week competition is starting next Wednesday, and I'm still on the fence about joining.  I don't want to focus on the scale, but do I need the accountability in order to stay motivated?  I'm just not sure.

After the somewhat stressful weigh-in, I saw my therapist for the first time in two months.  She could see the change in me, especially emotionally.  She said that I seemed more content with myself.  I think she's right.

For my birthday dinner, I wanted french fries with sauce and cheeze, and a salad.  For dessert, I wanted a Frozen Cacao.  The salad never happened.  The french fries were good. The Frozen Cacao also didn't happen because I discovered we only had three frozen bananas left.  I would have made half a recipe but I'd already added the other ingredients to the Vitamix.  I subbed unfrozen bananas, resulting in a chocolate shake instead of a Frozen Cacao!

Birthdays always seem to be stressful here, and today was no exception.  There's this pressure to keep it nice for the birthday person, and that pressure usually causes at least one kiddo to behave poorly (I'm putting it very politely!).  That's what happened tonight.  I was kind of upset, but tried to let it go.  I'm really seeing how my pain intensifies when I'm stressed.  It's just not worth it.  So it wasn't a stellar birthday, but that's okay.  It was hot out and I had a nice long swim, which was amazing.  It's so good to be in the pool and actually feel good!  I don't want it to end!  Maybe I should move to Florida so that it doesn't have to end!  :)

The bottom line is that there were some good times and some bad times today, and I can deal with that.  I sure don't need to eat over it!



Breakfast:  Peaches & Bananas

Lunch:  Taco Salad: Red Leaf Lettuce, Romaine, Cherry Tomatoes, Carrots, Cucumber, Yellow Peppers, Scallions, Refried Black Beans, Cheeze Sauce, Salsa, Sour Cream, Baked Tortilla Chips

Banana

Dinner: Baked French Fries, Super Quick Marinara, Cheeze Sauce

Cacao Shake


Exercise: 2+ hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Wednesday, Weigh In - Week 12

Lost 5 pounds

Total: 46 pounds

Tuesday, 9/10/13

I felt so good today!  I was out almost all day, which is huge for me.  I couldn't have done it a few months ago.  We had appointments for lab work in the morning, followed by shopping, doctors' appointments, then time in the pool, followed by another appointment.  I'm exhausted tonight, but it felt so good to be out doing things today.  Real progress!


Breakfast: Apples

Lunch:  Salad ~ Romaine, Red Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Carrots, Refried Black Beans, Salsa, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream

Popcorn (plain)

Dinner: Watermelon


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in the pool

Monday, 9/9/13

Today was a good day.  I really saw how much better I feel when I get outside and exercise.  Sure beats shoving food in my face when I'm stressed!  :)


Breakfast: Banana, Spinach Dip

Lunch: Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Banana

Dinner: Taco Salad: Romaine, Red Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Carrots, Scallions, Refried Black Beans, Salsa, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream.  Apple.

Raspberries



Exercise: 1.5 hours in pool, exercising and walking

Sunday, 9/8/13

Breakfast: Bananas

Lunch: Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Applesauce

Dinner: Philly Cheesesteak-less Potatoes, Spinach Dip

Frozen Cacao


Exercise: 1 hour in pool walking/exercising

Saturday, 9/7/13

Still not getting enough sleep, and I'm feeling it!  I tried to make my Frosty again, but Hubby got milk that wasn't safe for me.  So I ate Roast-less Pot Roast for a snack instead!  :)  Determined to get to bed earlier tonight (like right now!).  :)


Breakfast: Potato Patties

Lunch:  Creamed Corn, GF English Muffin with Marinated Tomato Salad

Dinner: Clean out the Fridge and Pantry Dinner,

Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Banana

Friday, 9/6/13

Not a good food day!  I'm out of salad fixings with no time to go get more.  Hubby working late, kids way out of control = me feeling stressed.  Planned on having a Frosty after kids went to bed, only to discover that my rice milk had gone bad.  Frustrated and tired, I should have gone to bed.  Instead, I had a huge midnight snack.  Not happy about eating so much, but very happy that I ate foods that were safe for me, and that I wrote it all down, because I sure didn't want to!  :)

I'm also freaking out a little bit about this diet competition coming to an end.  Self-sabotage, maybe?


Breakfast: Potato Pancakes with Applesauce and Sour Cream

Lunch: Creamed Corn, Tofu Eggless Salad

Dinner: Tomato Soup with Croutons

Applesauce, Potato Pancake with Sour Cream, Mexican Mac n Cheeze with Spinach, Corn, Scallions

Thursday, 9/5/13

Stressful day.  Had an uncomfortable school meeting, followed by a surprise visit from relatives and a forgotten therapist at-home appointment, so I didn't get to swim.  Was very happy to discover Ezekiel Brown Rice English Muffins, but certainly didn't need to eat two of them today.  I think I should just call it a day and go to bed!

Thankful that I didn't eat pizza and cake for dinner like the people around me did!  Even with the stress, I was happy that I ate relatively well!


Breakfast:  Cucumber Salad, GF English Muffin

Lunch: Mexican Mac n Cheeze with baby spinach, corn, tomatoes, and scallions

Dinner: Tofu Eggless Salad, Salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, cucumbers, scallions, Mayo, GF English Muffin

Wednesday, 9/4/13

I really, really enjoyed my food today, which makes me feel good physically and emotionally!  I'm thrilled with some progress I've made with my health, but also a little discouraged by how tired and achy I've been.  Looking ahead and not giving up hope!  I did some good breathing and visualization exercises today that were very helpful. 

I absolutely loved the Mexican Mac n Cheeze with the added veggies.  Will be making that one again for sure!


Breakfast: Watermelon

Lunch: Brown rice, broccoli, Mushroom Gravy

Dinner: Mexican Mac n Cheeze with baby spinach, corn, tomatoes, and scallions.  Cucumber Salad.  Frozen Cacao.

Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in pool, walking and doing pool exercises

Wednesday Weigh In, Week 11

Lost 2 pounds

Total: 41 pounds

Tuesday, 9/3/13

Today was better than yesterday.  The weather was beautiful, and I got outside and swam.  My back and neck are kind of crazy tonight, but I'm not eating over it!  :)


Breakfast: Peachy Oatmeal

Banana

Blood Orange

Lunch: Salad - romaine lettuce, pinto beans, onion, Cheeze Sauce, tomatoes, cucumber, jalapeno, red wine vinegar, fresh basil

Dinner: Tomato Soup, Croutons
 

Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool

My Favorite Kitchen Helps

I was doing the dishes today and thinking about the kitchen helps that really do make this lifestyle easier.  I don't like a lot of unnecessary gadgets, but there are things that I use almost every single day that make cooking and preparing my food quick and easy.


Instant Pot


I use my Instant Pot almost every day.  I make dried beans in it all the time, which is so much cheaper and healthier than buying canned.  I also use it to make vegetable stock, which again saves a lot of money.  It's great for soups, stews, and refried beans.



Vitamix



I also use my Vitamix every day.  I would be lost without it!  I use it for soup, sauces, condiments, and most important of all, Frosties!  :)





Microplane Grater

 

I love this grater!  I use it all the time for grating ginger and citrus zest!

Pampered Chef Garlic Press
 
I definitely use my garlic press every day!  I love garlic and the flavor and health benefits it offers.  I like this press because I don't have to peel the garlic first.






Pampered Chef Citrus Juicer

I have an electric citrus juicer that I use if I'm juicing a lot of fruit, but I love this little hand juicer when I'm just using one lemon, lime, or orange to flavor a recipe.  It gets a lot of use around here!





Salad Spinner

I've had this salad spinner for years, and it gets so much use that there's a crack in the bowl that my husband actually duct-taped!  Classy, I know.  I guess it's time to get a new one!




Pampered Chef Food Chopper



This food chopper seemed like a gadget that may not be necessary, but I use it every day!  It's great for finely chopping onions, carrots, celery, bell peppers for soups and salads, and it's much quicker (at least for me!) than chopping by hand.



Henckels Four-Star Knives



Of course I use my knives all the time.  I love my Henckels knives, and I also have a couple of ceramic knives that I really like.  They chip easily, but if you're careful with them, they work really well because they stay so sharp.



Matfer Exopat Nonstick Baking Mat



I use my nonstick baking mats for baking veggie burgers, potato wedges, oatmeal on the go, tortilla chips...anything that would stick to the pan since I don't use oil.  I use it in place of parchment paper, which saves money and resources!




Canning Jars - in all sizes

I use canning jars for storage for all of my sauces, condiments, and leftovers.

Stainless Steel 2-cup Measuring Cup

I love my 2-cup measuring cup.  I must have a lot of recipes that call for 2 cups of an ingredient, because I use this a lot.  I know that I could just use my 1-cup measuring cup twice, but this saves me 30 seconds by just measuring it once!  Okay, so I don't need it.  But, I still love it!  :)

5-ounce Measuring Glass - Measures ounces and tablespoons



I use this little measuring cup all the time!  I love measuring liquid tablespoons by just pouring the liquid into this cup instead of measuring it a tablespoon at a time.  It's quicker and less messy!



Pampered Chef Measure-All Cup - for House Mayo and other thick ingredients

This is another gadget that isn't necessary but I love it.  I use it for measuring House Mayo, applesauce, refried beans...anything that doesn't come out of a measuring cup easily.



Silicone Baking/Muffin Cups



These are great for oil-free muffins because the muffins just slip right out of them.  I won't lie, though; they're a real pain to clean!  I soak them and then turn them inside-out and clean each little ridge.  Even so, after they dry there always seems to be a couple of them that still have muffin residue in them!



Potato Masher

I had a potato masher for years and never used it.  Now I use it all the time for mashed potatoes, refried beans, and for mashing chickpeas to make Mercury-Free "Tuna" Salad.

Peeler

I know a peeler is really basic, but I love my OXO peeler!  I used to have an awful one, so I dreaded peeling fruits and veggies.  This one is so much easier and I'm all about less frustration in the kitchen!

Monday, 9/2/13

Felt kind of off today, probably because I've crept back into the habit of staying up too late.  Was very hungry and kind of on edge today.  Decided to just go with the feelings.  In the past, I would have eaten junk food for sure.


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Salad: Romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, Refried Beans, Cheeze Sauce, Jalapeno Corn Salsa, Sour Cream

Macaroni Salad

Dinner: Marinated Tomato Salad over Brown Rice Spaghetti

Peach Smoothie (peach, banana, soymilk)

Exercise: 45 minutes in the pool walking/exercising (cut short by thunderstorms)

Body Image

My sister once asked me how I could handle my bathroom.

I didn't know what she meant.

"You know, " she said, "all of those mirrors!  Doesn't it drive you crazy?"

She's right; there are a lot of mirrors.  There's a huge one behind the vanity, double mirrored closed doors on the opposite wall, and another double closet on the other side of the room.

I've lived here for 11 years, and I can honestly say that I don't see the mirrors, and I sure don't see my reflection in those mirrors!

We're talking about a person who walks in the room and immediately notices if a chair is out of place, or opens a cabinet and sees that a spice jar was put back wrong, so the spices are no longer alphabetized!  When I walk in a room, I hone in on potential dangers right away, something heavy that could fall on a small child, or something that could be sharp and scratch a child.

I don't intentionally do any of this; it's just the way my mind works!

(And don't think that my house is immaculate; I live with five people who would step over an overturned chair, rather than think to stop and pick it up!)

My point is that, in spite of being a detail-oriented person, I don't even see my mirrors.  It's like I want to pretend that I don't exist.  I don't like what I see, so I choose not to see it.

I've done the exercises where I looked in the mirror and told myself that I loved myself exactly the way I was.  I didn't believe it for a minute, but I read that if I said it enough, eventually I would come to believe it.

That never happened.  Not that it wouldn't have, but I always quit before it did.

So, since I never saw myself in mirrors, I was always shocked when I saw a picture of myself.  My immediate reaction was to look away, or to quickly delete the picture.

When I would see one of those rare pictures, especially when I'd been dieting and feeling better, I would think that I was too horrible to be seen in public, that I was an embarrassment to my family, and that I should just give up dieting and give up on myself.

The sad thing was that I've felt that way no matter what my weight!

I remember going to a doctor one time, and while examining me, he called me Denise Obese.  Don't even get me started on what kind of doctor says that to a patient, but at the time, I weighed 124 pounds!  I was young and impressionable, and I left feeling so defeated.  From that day on, I refused to eat anything for two days prior to a doctor's appointment, and ended up choosing a doctor solely on the fact that he didn't make me weigh in at appointments!

I also remember, after starving myself, weighing around 110 pounds, and my boyfriend (at the time) telling me that I was still fat and needed to lose some more weight.  That was on Easter, and my main memory of that day was having to get a pillow to sit on during Easter dinner because I was so bony that it hurt to sit down.

I'm finally ready to learn to accept and love myself.  I no longer look to others for approval.  I realize that I will never be at peace with food if I don't address the emotional aspects of my relationship with food.  I know that these changes take time, but it's exciting to feel them taking place.  My goal for today is to look in that mirror and smile, and just sit with that for awhile and see how it feels.

I know I'm on the right path.

Sunday, 9/1/13

Went to a barbecue today.  Took Black Bean and Corn Summer Salad, Creamy Macaroni Salad, Spinach Artichoke Dip, Crispy Corn Tortilla Chips, and Corn on the Cob.  I had more than enough food, and was not even tempted by all of the appetizers, grilled food, pies, and ice cream!  I love my food!


Breakfast: Portable Banana Blueberry Oatmeal, Blueberry Banana Oatmeal to Go

Lunch: Corn on the Cob, Black Bean and Corn Salad, Macaroni Salad, Spinach Artichoke Dip, Baked Tortilla Chips


Dinner: Black Bean and Corn Salad, Macaroni Salad, Watermelon, Blueberries, Raspberries, Blackberries, Strawberries, Mango, Kiwi

Portable Banana Blueberry Oatmeal