Monday, 9/30/13

Today was a little bit better in the pain department.  I was able to do more, which felt good.  I still couldn't do the cooking I wanted to do, but I did make my lunch.  I also got out in the pool, even though it was so cold!  The water wasn't any colder, but it was cloudy and breezy, and I just couldn't get warm.  It's supposed to warm up.  I sure hope so!

I always do lots of thinking when I walk in the pool, and today I was continuing to notice how antsy I've been lately because I want results now and I don't think I'm losing weight quickly enough.  It suddenly occurred to me that maybe I could just stop all of that.  I think that I value myself in terms of my progress, and I have to show people that I'm losing x amount of pounds or inches or whatever.  So, maybe I could just forget that and just eat the way I'm eating, not set any goals, not get on the scale at all, and just live this way.  Maybe I could even forget that I'm trying to lose weight.  I don't know...it's just something that popped into my head today.




Breakfast: Oatmeal, Apples, Bananas, Blueberries

Lunch: Spaghetti and Peas

Dinner: Marinated tofu, corn, Blueberry Banana Oatmeal to Go


Exercise: 1 1/4 hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Sunday, 9/29/13

Tough day today.  The pain is bad, to the point where I had to miss out on some things I really wanted to do today.  I'm feeling discouraged.  I was upset about the way I've been eating, but reminded myself that this is my life, and I'm doing the best I can.  My hubby made the oatmeal and potatoes before he and the kids left for the day, so that's what I ate.  I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow! 


Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries, apples, and bananas

Lunch: Fingerling Potatoes with Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Fingerling Potatoes with Chipotle Mayo, Cherry Tomatoes, Raspberries

The Gift

I haven't done a good job of dealing with the death of loved ones. My inclination is to move on, telling myself that I've dealt with it and that I'm okay. I did this with my baby daughter's death, with my three early pregnancy losses, with my favorite forever dog, my beautiful forever cat, friends, and my mom.

My mom had hospice, and they offered us free bereavement counseling for a year after her death.
I couldn't do it. 

They sent monthly support letters.
Those letters are in my drawer, unopened. I just couldn't deal with it.

Losing her was so much bigger than I'd ever imagined it would be, and I didn't know what to do with it. I sure couldn't lean on past experience; I didn't have any!

About six months ago, my sister brought a bag to me, saying that some of Mom's things were in it. That bag sat in the back of my closet all that time. I just got to a place where I felt that I could open it up.

There were some letters that I'd written to her, my first and third grade report cards, one of her journals, and some souvenirs from her travels around the world. It was interesting to look at these things, but it wasn't until I came across a small piece of paper that I knew that it was the right time to go through the bag.

 

The Lord loves you

You are beautiful

You have many important things to do

You are being led

The Lord's love flows through you to others

You make a difference in this world

You matter 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I honestly felt as though she were talking to me.  

This is something I've struggled with ~ feeling unlovable ~ unworthy ~ useless ~ floundering, without direction.  Most people who know me would never guess that I feel this way, but deep down, I do.

I needed to hear her words right now, even though she didn't actually speak to me, to help me keep on going with the emotional aspect of this journey.  I'm letting go of those lies, and leaning on the truth.  I'm also feeling peace with the loss of my loved ones.

What a gift.   

 

Saturday, 9/28/13

I'm paying the price for staying up so late last night.  I'm tired, have no energy, and just want to eat comfort food.  I made breakfast (which was delicious!), but that's about it.  Oh, and I tried to make muffins but they didn't work out.  Thankfully, I had leftovers for lunch and dinner.  Otherwise, it was a good day!


Breakfast: Fruit and Oats Breakfast



Homemade Applesauce...the whole jar!  :)

Lunch:  Creamy Mushroom Soup over Brown Rice Pasta with sauteed Vidalia Onions, Baby Bella Mushrooms, and Baby Spinach

Pumpkin Muffins

Dinner: Yellow Split Pea Soup

Friday, 9/27/13

Today's meals weren't the prettiest meals, but they were delicious!  Nick didn't love the Yellow Split Pea Soup, but as he pointed out, I'm the lentil/split pea fan in the house, not him.  Fair enough.  :) 

Today is Day 100 without meat, dairy, oils/fats, nuts, sugars/dried fruit.  I've been getting a bit impatient, wanting to just move this whole process along.  I'm just acknowledging these feelings, and then letting them go.  I watched an interview with a woman who lost 100 pounds on Dr. McDougall's plan, and she talked about losing five pounds a month, and then before she knew it, she'd lost a noticeable amount of weight.  It reminded me to just trust and enjoy the process.  I'm certainly enjoying the food, so I've decided to be content with that.

My pain level was a little less today.  I was able to stand longer than I could yesterday, and the pain wasn't as severe.  I'll take that any day!

It was very cloudy and cold today, and I didn't exercise.  The pool is the only exercise I trust why my back is still this unstable.  Tomorrow is supposed to be nicer.

I spent part of my evening rolling raw organic chocolate truffles!  Not an activity I would have chosen, but I did it to help my hubby, who had a lot of them to make.  I made them look beautiful, but I was not the least bit tempted to taste them.  Now, that's a miracle!

Also, just to keep this honest, it's now 2:00 AM, and I'm still up.  Ugh.  I'm going to bed now!!


Brunch: Pasta with Creamy Mushroom Soup and Sauteed Vidalia Onions, Baby Bella Mushrooms, and Baby Spinach
 

Frozen Cacao

Dinner: Yellow Split Pea Soup, Apple

Food for Life English Muffin, Cheeze Sauce

Thursday, 9/26/13

I'm still in a lot of pain today, but I'm okay with it.  I know that the healing process is often one step forward, two steps back.  I may have overdone it the other day, but I'm just thankful that I felt well enough to overdo it!  I'm being more cautious now.  My diet wasn't the most imaginative today because I made dinner for the family and ran out of steam before making mine. 


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip

Frozen Cacao

Dinner: Baked Potatoes with Cheeze Sauce and Vegan Sour Cream


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool

Wednesday, 9/25/13

I am really hurting after yesterday, so no exercising today.  I was pretty uncreative with the food today, too, because I ran out of steam after making lunch.  I plan to feel better tomorrow because I have lots of things I want to do!


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Dinner: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Peaches

Tuesday, 9/24/13

I got some more sleep last night, in spite of being woken up several times by my cute little boy!  I felt much better today.  I saw my endocrinologist this morning.  I saw her peeking out of her door when I was in the waiting room, and she later told me that she was noticing how well I was getting around!  She's very happy with my progress, and I don't need to get labs done or see her for six months!  Since I usually go every three months, that's definitely a good thing!  She did tell me to keep exercising as much as I can in order to get my HDL up a bit.

After the appointment, I was feeling so good that I agreed to go on a *date* with hubby...to Costco!  He lured me there with talk of my favorite giant baking potatoes!  :)  He wanted me to get one of those electric carts to ride, but I told him I was going to walk!  We were there for over an hour and I walked around the entire store.  I can't remember the last time I was there (or in any other store), but it's been several years.  It felt so good to get out.

After that, I braved the 63-degree water in the pool for some more walking.

Now, I'm tired and in a fair amount of pain, but I feel so good about what I accomplished today that I don't even mind the pain!


Breakfast: Roasted Veggie; Peaches

Lunch: Salad: lettuce, tomato, red peppers, carrots, cucumbers;  Chickpea Salad (I added Kelp Powder and Old Bay Seasoning - yum!!); Peaches

Dinner: Pot Pie-less Pie (this is one of my new absolute favorites!!) over a GF English Muffin, Frozen Cacao

Pumpkin Spice Hot Cocoa (I played with this recipe and couldn't get it to where I wanted it.  I used 1 dropper of vanilla stevia and it was still bitter.  So I added another 1/2 dropper and it tasted too strongly of stevia.  I added another Tbsp of cacao powder, but that didn't help much.  So I added a large ripe banana, which helped, but it still wasn't great.  I added a second smaller banana, and drank some of it that way.  The banana flavor overtook the pumpkin pie flavor a bit, of course, but I found that preferable to the overpowering stevia taste.  Don't really plan on making this one again...I didn't even finish it.)


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool; walked around Costco!  :)

Monday, 9/23/13

I stayed up way too late last night (3:00 AM!), had some stressful things go on today, and paid the price tonight with a horrible attitude and no patience!  Tonight's goal is to get to bed at a decent hour!  I had delicious food today, and I'm grateful for that.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, which means getting on the scale...something that I always find unnerving.  I haven't weighed in over two weeks, and am instead trying to focus on trusting the process while ignoring the scale.  I'm not sure why I have no problem telling my primary doctor that I don't want to get on the scale, but haven't yet told my endocrinologist the same thing.  Hmm...maybe I'll try just saying NO tomorrow!


Breakfast: GF English Muffin, tofu, Creamy Mushroom Soup.  Peach.

Lunch: Taco Layer Dip Cups

Dinner: Pot Pie-less Pie , GF English Muffin.  Cacao Ice Cream (made in our new Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker.  Yummy!!)

Sunday, 9/22/13

Good day today.  Had a house full of kids (11?) all day.  I didn't get to cook as much as I wanted to, and I didn't make my salad.  I'll focus on a big salad tomorrow.


Breakfast: Fruit Salad: watermelon, honeydew melon, cantaloupe, kiwi, blueberries, bananas, apples

Lunch: Baked Tortilla Chips, fresh salsa, chickpeas, Vegan Mayo

Dinner: Creamy Mushroom Soup

Peach

Saturday, 9/21/13

Crazy, crazy, crazy day.  Can't even write at this point.  Didn't eat over it, so I'm happy.  More tomorrow!


Breakfast: Fruit Salad: watermelon, honeydew melon, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon, kiwi, banana

Lunch: E2 Sprouted Ancient Grains Tortilla, lettuce, tomato, Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, cucumber, tofu, Ranch Dressing; Baked Tortilla Chips, salsa, Frozen Cacao

Friday, 9/20/13

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a kiddo having an asthma attack and discovered that I was having back spams.  I think I overdid it in the pool yesterday.  It's frustrating because I think that I just need to work my muscles harder, but with my back, I guess that isn't always the case.  I went back in the pool today but moved a little bit slower.  So far, so good!

Breakfast: Oatmeal, blueberries, apples

Banana

Lunch: E2 Sprouted Ancient Grains Tortilla, Faux Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, Chipotle Mayo

Dinner: Salad: lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red cabbage, radishes, onion, Ranch Dressing; Baked Tortilla Chips, Chipotle Mayo


Exercise: Walking/exercising in the pool for 2 hours

Thursday, 9/19/13

I was so hungry today but didn't feel up to making anything else, which was probably a good thing!  It was a beautiful day and I loved being in the pool.  The water was still cold but the sun was hot and felt so good.  Kids are extra crazy today but I'm practicing breathing instead of shoving food in my mouth.  It's a great substitution!  :)


Breakfast: Apples, Strawberries

Banana

Lunch: Black Bean Soup, tomatoes, Vegan Sour Cream

Applesauce

Dinner: Spicy Stuffed Potatoes, corn, Pico de Gallo, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream, Salad: red leaf lettuce, tomatoes, dressing


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Wednesday, 9/18/13

Feeling good today.  Swam in the frigid waters - at least my face was warm from the sun!  Very emotional later on after reading Truth From Parents of Children Who Died.  It was good to feel those emotions without feeling like I needed to stuff them (usually with food!).  Just a huge reminder to live in the present moment, something that I feel like I'm just starting to do again.  It's time.


Breakfast:  Nectarines

Lunch: Mac n Cheeze (used Annie Chun's Brown Rice Pad Thai Noodles and petite peas)

Dinner: Spicy Twice Baked Potatoes , Salad: red & green leaf lettuce, tomato, Ranch Dressing

Peach


Exercise: 1 3/4 hours in pool, walking/exercising

Tuesday, 9/17/13

I meant to make a salad for dinner but got busy and didn't get to it.  I will make a big one tomorrow!  My breakfast and dinner were SO good.  I love eating food that tastes so good and makes me feel so good!  I forced myself to exercise even though it was really, really cold.  I felt good while doing it; I just can't warm up!


Breakfast: Blueberry Banana Oatmeal, Peach

Raspberries

Lunch: Black Bean Soup, Cheeze Sauce

Dinner: Mac n Cheeze with Annie Chun's Brown Rice Pad Thai Noodles and petite peas
Applesauce



Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the frigid pool, exercising and walking

Monday, 9/16/13

I wasn't going to go in the pool today because it was cloudy and windy out.  But, when it started getting stressful here, I grabbed my suit and went in.  The water was so cold, but I could feel the stress melt away as I walked faster and faster around the pool.  With special needs kids, the stress isn't going to end, so my job is to figure out how to deal with it.  In the past, it was chocolate and wine.  Today, it was the frigid pool!


Breakfast: Potatoes and Ranch Dressing, Peaches

Lunch: Salad: Red and Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Ranch Dressing, Black Bean Soup, Sour Cream, Cheeze Sauce

Dinner:  Peach, Spinach Lasagna, Cheeze Sauce

Engine 2 Ancient Grains Sprouted Tortillas, Cheeze Sauce



Exercise:  1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in the pool

Sunday, 9/15/13

I forced myself into the pool today, despite the 66-degree water!  It was so cold, but invigorating.   For the first time, I was able to run in the pool!  Afterwards, as I was making dinner, I noticed that it wasn't as painful to stand up.  I felt that I could stand up straight, instead of being hunched over in pain, as is usually the case.  It didn't last long, as pain and exhaustion hit tonight, but it gave me a little glimpse of being pain-free.  It also gave me lots of hope for future recovery!


Breakfast: Peaches & Grapes

Lunch: Salad: Red and green leaf lettuce, tomatoes, Ranch Dressing, Baked Tortilla Chips, TJ's Salsa

Dinner: Spinach Lasagna

Bananas & Peaches


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, walking/running/exercising

Saturday, 9/14/13

Quiet day today.  Kind of feel like I'm getting a cold.  Didn't swim because it's soooo cold and windy!

Breakfast: Peaches and bananas, Green Enchiladas

Lunch: Green Enchiladas

Nectarine

Dinner: Mashed Potatoes, Applesauce

Frozen Cacao

Friday, 9/13/13

Breakfast: Peaches, Nectarines, & Bananas

Lunch: Baked Tortilla Chips, Salsa, Vegan Sour Cream

Dinner: Green Enchiladas, Salad: Red & Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Ranch Dressing

Banana


Exercise: 2 hours walking/exercising in pool

Thursday, 9/12/13

Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Baked French Fries, Cheeze Sauce, GF English Muffin, Tomato Slices

Peaches

Dinner: Salad: Red Leaf Lettuce, Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Red Bell Pepper, Carrots, Ranch Dressing, Sweet Potato, Cheeze Sauce


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in the pool, swimming/exercising

Wednesday, 9/11/13

I kind of had a tough time today.  It marked the end of the weight loss competition.  I came in third in terms of percentage of weight lost, and I lost the most pounds of anyone.  A new 12-week competition is starting next Wednesday, and I'm still on the fence about joining.  I don't want to focus on the scale, but do I need the accountability in order to stay motivated?  I'm just not sure.

After the somewhat stressful weigh-in, I saw my therapist for the first time in two months.  She could see the change in me, especially emotionally.  She said that I seemed more content with myself.  I think she's right.

For my birthday dinner, I wanted french fries with sauce and cheeze, and a salad.  For dessert, I wanted a Frozen Cacao.  The salad never happened.  The french fries were good. The Frozen Cacao also didn't happen because I discovered we only had three frozen bananas left.  I would have made half a recipe but I'd already added the other ingredients to the Vitamix.  I subbed unfrozen bananas, resulting in a chocolate shake instead of a Frozen Cacao!

Birthdays always seem to be stressful here, and today was no exception.  There's this pressure to keep it nice for the birthday person, and that pressure usually causes at least one kiddo to behave poorly (I'm putting it very politely!).  That's what happened tonight.  I was kind of upset, but tried to let it go.  I'm really seeing how my pain intensifies when I'm stressed.  It's just not worth it.  So it wasn't a stellar birthday, but that's okay.  It was hot out and I had a nice long swim, which was amazing.  It's so good to be in the pool and actually feel good!  I don't want it to end!  Maybe I should move to Florida so that it doesn't have to end!  :)

The bottom line is that there were some good times and some bad times today, and I can deal with that.  I sure don't need to eat over it!



Breakfast:  Peaches & Bananas

Lunch:  Taco Salad: Red Leaf Lettuce, Romaine, Cherry Tomatoes, Carrots, Cucumber, Yellow Peppers, Scallions, Refried Black Beans, Cheeze Sauce, Salsa, Sour Cream, Baked Tortilla Chips

Banana

Dinner: Baked French Fries, Super Quick Marinara, Cheeze Sauce

Cacao Shake


Exercise: 2+ hours in the pool, walking/exercising

Tuesday, 9/10/13

I felt so good today!  I was out almost all day, which is huge for me.  I couldn't have done it a few months ago.  We had appointments for lab work in the morning, followed by shopping, doctors' appointments, then time in the pool, followed by another appointment.  I'm exhausted tonight, but it felt so good to be out doing things today.  Real progress!


Breakfast: Apples

Lunch:  Salad ~ Romaine, Red Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Carrots, Refried Black Beans, Salsa, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream

Popcorn (plain)

Dinner: Watermelon


Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in the pool

Monday, 9/9/13

Today was a good day.  I really saw how much better I feel when I get outside and exercise.  Sure beats shoving food in my face when I'm stressed!  :)


Breakfast: Banana, Spinach Dip

Lunch: Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Banana

Dinner: Taco Salad: Romaine, Red Leaf Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Carrots, Scallions, Refried Black Beans, Salsa, Cheeze Sauce, Sour Cream.  Apple.

Raspberries



Exercise: 1.5 hours in pool, exercising and walking

Sunday, 9/8/13

Breakfast: Bananas

Lunch: Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Applesauce

Dinner: Philly Cheesesteak-less Potatoes, Spinach Dip

Frozen Cacao


Exercise: 1 hour in pool walking/exercising

Saturday, 9/7/13

Still not getting enough sleep, and I'm feeling it!  I tried to make my Frosty again, but Hubby got milk that wasn't safe for me.  So I ate Roast-less Pot Roast for a snack instead!  :)  Determined to get to bed earlier tonight (like right now!).  :)


Breakfast: Potato Patties

Lunch:  Creamed Corn, GF English Muffin with Marinated Tomato Salad

Dinner: Clean out the Fridge and Pantry Dinner,

Roasted Veggies in Gravy

Banana

Friday, 9/6/13

Not a good food day!  I'm out of salad fixings with no time to go get more.  Hubby working late, kids way out of control = me feeling stressed.  Planned on having a Frosty after kids went to bed, only to discover that my rice milk had gone bad.  Frustrated and tired, I should have gone to bed.  Instead, I had a huge midnight snack.  Not happy about eating so much, but very happy that I ate foods that were safe for me, and that I wrote it all down, because I sure didn't want to!  :)

I'm also freaking out a little bit about this diet competition coming to an end.  Self-sabotage, maybe?


Breakfast: Potato Pancakes with Applesauce and Sour Cream

Lunch: Creamed Corn, Tofu Eggless Salad

Dinner: Tomato Soup with Croutons

Applesauce, Potato Pancake with Sour Cream, Mexican Mac n Cheeze with Spinach, Corn, Scallions

Thursday, 9/5/13

Stressful day.  Had an uncomfortable school meeting, followed by a surprise visit from relatives and a forgotten therapist at-home appointment, so I didn't get to swim.  Was very happy to discover Ezekiel Brown Rice English Muffins, but certainly didn't need to eat two of them today.  I think I should just call it a day and go to bed!

Thankful that I didn't eat pizza and cake for dinner like the people around me did!  Even with the stress, I was happy that I ate relatively well!


Breakfast:  Cucumber Salad, GF English Muffin

Lunch: Mexican Mac n Cheeze with baby spinach, corn, tomatoes, and scallions

Dinner: Tofu Eggless Salad, Salad: lettuce, tomato, carrots, cucumbers, scallions, Mayo, GF English Muffin

Wednesday, 9/4/13

I really, really enjoyed my food today, which makes me feel good physically and emotionally!  I'm thrilled with some progress I've made with my health, but also a little discouraged by how tired and achy I've been.  Looking ahead and not giving up hope!  I did some good breathing and visualization exercises today that were very helpful. 

I absolutely loved the Mexican Mac n Cheeze with the added veggies.  Will be making that one again for sure!


Breakfast: Watermelon

Lunch: Brown rice, broccoli, Mushroom Gravy

Dinner: Mexican Mac n Cheeze with baby spinach, corn, tomatoes, and scallions.  Cucumber Salad.  Frozen Cacao.

Exercise: 1 1/2 hours in pool, walking and doing pool exercises

Tuesday, 9/3/13

Today was better than yesterday.  The weather was beautiful, and I got outside and swam.  My back and neck are kind of crazy tonight, but I'm not eating over it!  :)


Breakfast: Peachy Oatmeal

Banana

Blood Orange

Lunch: Salad - romaine lettuce, pinto beans, onion, Cheeze Sauce, tomatoes, cucumber, jalapeno, red wine vinegar, fresh basil

Dinner: Tomato Soup, Croutons
 

Exercise: 1 1/2 hours walking/exercising in pool

Monday, 9/2/13

Felt kind of off today, probably because I've crept back into the habit of staying up too late.  Was very hungry and kind of on edge today.  Decided to just go with the feelings.  In the past, I would have eaten junk food for sure.


Breakfast: Peaches

Lunch: Taco Salad: Romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, Refried Beans, Cheeze Sauce, Jalapeno Corn Salsa, Sour Cream

Macaroni Salad

Dinner: Marinated Tomato Salad over Brown Rice Spaghetti

Peach Smoothie (peach, banana, soymilk)

Exercise: 45 minutes in the pool walking/exercising (cut short by thunderstorms)

Sunday, 9/1/13

Went to a barbecue today.  Took Black Bean and Corn Summer Salad, Creamy Macaroni Salad, Spinach Artichoke Dip, Crispy Corn Tortilla Chips, and Corn on the Cob.  I had more than enough food, and was not even tempted by all of the appetizers, grilled food, pies, and ice cream!  I love my food!


Breakfast: Portable Banana Blueberry Oatmeal, Blueberry Banana Oatmeal to Go

Lunch: Corn on the Cob, Black Bean and Corn Salad, Macaroni Salad, Spinach Artichoke Dip, Baked Tortilla Chips


Dinner: Black Bean and Corn Salad, Macaroni Salad, Watermelon, Blueberries, Raspberries, Blackberries, Strawberries, Mango, Kiwi

Portable Banana Blueberry Oatmeal