The Gift

I haven't done a good job of dealing with the death of loved ones. My inclination is to move on, telling myself that I've dealt with it and that I'm okay. I did this with my baby daughter's death, with my three early pregnancy losses, with my favorite forever dog, my beautiful forever cat, friends, and my mom.

My mom had hospice, and they offered us free bereavement counseling for a year after her death.
I couldn't do it. 

They sent monthly support letters.
Those letters are in my drawer, unopened. I just couldn't deal with it.

Losing her was so much bigger than I'd ever imagined it would be, and I didn't know what to do with it. I sure couldn't lean on past experience; I didn't have any!

About six months ago, my sister brought a bag to me, saying that some of Mom's things were in it. That bag sat in the back of my closet all that time. I just got to a place where I felt that I could open it up.

There were some letters that I'd written to her, my first and third grade report cards, one of her journals, and some souvenirs from her travels around the world. It was interesting to look at these things, but it wasn't until I came across a small piece of paper that I knew that it was the right time to go through the bag.

 

The Lord loves you

You are beautiful

You have many important things to do

You are being led

The Lord's love flows through you to others

You make a difference in this world

You matter 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I honestly felt as though she were talking to me.  

This is something I've struggled with ~ feeling unlovable ~ unworthy ~ useless ~ floundering, without direction.  Most people who know me would never guess that I feel this way, but deep down, I do.

I needed to hear her words right now, even though she didn't actually speak to me, to help me keep on going with the emotional aspect of this journey.  I'm letting go of those lies, and leaning on the truth.  I'm also feeling peace with the loss of my loved ones.

What a gift.