Christmas will never be the same without my mom.
There's a void ever since my baby died.
All of the traveling and socializing is tough,
both physically for me and emotionally for the kids.
This year, for the first time in years, I feel like I'm coming out of the pain-induced fog I've been in for so long now. In some ways, it was easier being in that fog. What I'm coming to grips with is the fact that I have to let go of the so-called ideal Christmas I have in my head. Part of that idea is from the Hallmark Holiday Hype, and part of it is from my childhood memories. Those memories include baking Christmas cookies and making gingerbread houses and Christmas crafts, watching Christmas specials on TV, dancing 'round the Christmas tree with cousins, a Swedish Smorgasbord at my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve, Christmas music and gorgeous decorations, candlelit evenings and a warm fire, driving around looking at Christmas lights, softly falling snow, the amazement of Christmas morning, and a big Christmas dinner. Life wasn't perfect, but in my young eyes, Christmas always was.
I wanted that for my children. I expected it for them. It hasn't happened, which has left me feeling sad and disappointed. And guilty.
I'm seeing that I need to accept the fact that my life is different now. I can't do 90% of those things. The kids just aren't interested. Kids who can't sit still long enough to do a project or decorate a cookie, kids who melt down constantly and dissolve in tears over things that I'll never be a part of or understand, kids who destroy things that are meaningful to me, kids who aren't able to be happy or enjoy a holiday, and kids who get so overstimulated that they melt down in the midst of all of the stimulation and changes in routine...this is our reality. Our life is governed by ADHD, ASD, FASD, ODD, OCD...acronyms that I'd never thought twice about before kids.
So, I'm working on acceptance. I'm thankful for the Christmases I had, and I've accepted that they're a thing of the past. I can't beat myself up because we're not out there doing all of the things that "normal" families are doing during the holiday season. As Nick likes to say, "It is what it is."
I'm thankful that I have the clarity to see the situation for what it is.
I'm thankful that I'm coming out of the fog and that I feel well enough to
face my life instead of burying my head in the sand.
I'm thankful that I'm able to enjoy happy moments here and there.
I'm thankful to be able to look forward to the future,
even if it looks different than I thought it would.
It beats having nothing to look forward to,
which is where I was just six months ago,
when I was still eating to escape the painful parts of my life.
You and your husband are amazing! Accepting painful things is difficult. Writing about it seems like a great idea! I can relate to painful Christmases, ADHD, all the other letters although they weren't my kids, and other painful things that I never thought would happen. I've started to realize that I'm not the only one in pain. Other people have had imperfect lives because they were raised by imperfect parents or experienced painful adulthoods. This is life. It is painful. But its so much better with good friends like you, your husband and the other good people out there that are supportive and willing to hang in there! Grateful for that!
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