May Update

I haven't been posting much because I feel so distracted, unable to focus on anything for very long, and pulled in a thousand different directions.  I'm accepting this as being part of grieving, but I'd still like to be able to write more.

My food is so simple now.  I think of new recipes to try, but just don't want to expend the energy.  So I've been eating my veggies for breakfast, rice or potatoes and veggies, or maybe a salad for lunch and dinner.  I often make Cheezy Sauce, Smoky Cheeze Sauce,  Onion Mushroom Gravy,  Creamy Cauliflower Sauce, or Bean Gravy, to tie together all sorts of rice/potato and veggie meals.  It makes life so simple!

One product I found that I love is Dandy Blend.  It's an instant herbal beverage powder, made from extracts of roasted roots of dandelion, beets, and chicory, and grains of barley and rye.  All of the gluten from the barley and rye is left behind during the extraction process, so Dandy Blend is gluten-free.  I used to have quite the love affair with coffee, and although I no longer crave it, I do still crave the feeling of a warm mug in my hands, and drinking a hot drink on cold mornings.  Dandy Blend fits the bill.  I drink it with a little bit of unsweetened soy milk, and I think it's delicious!

I also found a new gadget, the Chef'n Veggie Chop Hand-Powered Food Chopper, in spite of the fact that I'm working on simplifying my home.  I've been eating lots of bags of Trader Joe's Cruciferous Crunch, which is shredded, broccoli, brussels sprouts, kale, and red and green cabbage.  I saute it quickly and eat it for breakfast, sometimes with a sprinkling of Coconut Aminos.  The problem is that Trader Joe's is a bit of a drive, and I don't always get there.  So I got this so that I could make my own.  I realize that I could do the same thing in my food processor, but I'm more likely to make my salads with this little gadget than I am with the food processor.

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'Fessing Up

The addict in me wants to lie, to run away, to hide in shame, to engage in self-condemnation. How could I get through the main event (in this case, my sister's funeral), only to pick up, without a thought, afterwards? How could I be so committed for 50 or so days, and throw that away? All I heard was that the caterer found a vegan bakery, one that was gluten-free, refined sugar-free, soy-free, and nut-free, just for me, so that I wasn't left out. "Here, try a bite," she said, and the people-pleasing addict in me jumped to the forefront and did just that.

Today, I'm here to continue to commit, and to acknowledge that I didn't throw away the past 50+ days.  I know that I'll go through the cravings again and that my head will tell me to give up, or to start over tomorrow.

Right now, I'm cooking up a big pan of coleslaw and red cabbage and broccoli slaw. If I'm tempted to veer off plan today, I'll come here and post instead.

Morning Affirmations

Eating Right, In Spite of It All

Today, on this first day of spring, I traveled an hour in the snow to see a new doctor for my back.  I'm going to get injections right after my x-ray and MRI are done, and I'm looking forward to it! The pain is crazy, and has gotten noticeably worse since being so stressed out. 


I can't even wrap my head around what's happening with my little sister. After being sick for a couple of weeks, she had a scan that showed some masses.  She saw the oncologist, he immediately sent her to the ER and had her admitted. She has numerous tumors in her uterus and peritoneum, and one kidney is shut down from a tumor pressing on it. She has eight doctors on her team, and they're shocked at how sick she is considering that she had a clear CT scan one year ago. She has surgery first thing Monday morning.  She's never been hospitalized before in her life.


My youngest son hasn't been at school in three weeks because of extreme anxiety brought on by his teacher giving him something he was allergic to and the subsequent EpiPen, ambulance ride, and trip to the ER. We're fighting with the school district to get home education for him while we're touring schools, looking for a suitable placement for him. His anxiety heightened after we discovered our neighbor's house across the street on fire last weekend, and he saw the police kick in the door, and smoke come billowing out, and hours of sirens and lights and firefighters on our little street. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but their dog died in the fire. Now my little guy barely leaves my side, and is terrified that he's going to die from eating something he's allergic to, or from our house being on fire. It's heartbreaking and exhausting, all at once. 


I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, eating what I have to eat, and trying to remember to breathe. I'm going to cook as much as I can tomorrow because I'm spending the day at the hospital with my sister on Sunday.  I'm thankful that I'm abstinent during this, because I know that I'd feel so much worse if I buried all of this stress and sadness in food.


Another positive is that the scale in the doctor's office showed that I'm down 27 pounds.  Weight comes off of me very slowly because of the pituitary tumor, so I'm thankful and amazed that this weight is gone!

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Ultimate Weight Loss with Chef AJ and John Pierre

I completed Chef AJ and John Pierre's 21-Day Challenge on Ultimate Weight Loss with full compliance.  I feel so different than I did three weeks ago!



Three weeks ago, I felt:

Depressed

Hopeless

Discouraged

Reclusive

Bloated

I hurt from head to toe.  

It hurt to move, 

so I did so only when absolutely necessary.

Today, I feel:

Hopeful

Happy

Encouraged

Lighter

I hurt from head to toe.  

What?? 

Well, I do, but I don't hurt nearly as much 

as I did just three shorts weeks ago.  

I'm moving more, and the fibro 

and back pain is subsiding a little bit.

I refuse to let the scale define my progress, but I did weigh before and after, and in 21 days, I dropped 23 pounds.  I did it by eating as much food as I wanted, food that tasted wonderful and was filling and satisfying.

I had headaches for a few days after starting, as the toxins from caffeine and sugars and processed foods exited my body.  I had cravings then, too.  Today, the cravings are gone, and I can't wait for my veggies each morning!  

It just amazes me how quickly our taste buds can change, and how quickly healing can begin.

I can't wait to see where I go with this!

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 30

Gratitude:

1.  Completed the UWL 21-Day Challenge, 100% compliant
2.  Completed my 30 Day Gratitude Challenge
3.  Am experiencing less pain
4.  Am down 26 pounds
5.  Know that this is just the beginning of a healthy life

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 29

Gratitude:

1.  Learning to live in the present moment
2.  A beautiful almost-spring day
3.  A good appointment for E
4.  Learning what foods might not be the best for me
5.  Acceptance

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 28

Today was a difficult day emotionally, and I'm feeling it tonight.  I'm drained and exhausted.

The difference between today and other days in the past is that I didn't choose to drown my sorrows in food today.  I acknowledged the sucky parts of the day, but also embraced the good parts.  That's definite progress!

Gratitude:

1.  I didn't stuff my emotions with food today
2.  Another good day with E
3.  People reaching out to my sister
4.  My MIL discharged from the hospital
5.  Knowing that I have a warm bed waiting for me

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 27

Gratitude:

1.  Love of good, healthy food
2.  Steady progress
3.  Pajamas Day
4.  Working on a solution with N
5.  Electric fireplace heater

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 26

Gratitude:

1.  Accepting myself, where I am, as I am
2.  E's sweetness
3.  Being able to help a friend
4.  J discovering the neighbor's house on fire; quick response by police and fire
5.  People pulling together

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 25

Gratitude:

1.  Learning to accept myself as I am right now
2.  Learning that what I do is enough
3.  Starting to believe that I'm doing a decent job of raising my kids
4.  Dealing with stress without turning to food
5.  Learning to believe in myself

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 24

Today was tough.  Lots of sadness.  Upon hearing sad news, my first immediate reaction was to turn to food.  I was shocked because, minutes earlier, I'd felt as strong as ever.  Just that quickly it all changed.  I continued to want to eat and drink throughout the remainder of the day.

The difference this time is that I didn't act on it.  I recognized it as an old habit to stress and pain.  Then I allowed myself to feel the emotions instead of stuffing them.  I allowed the tears to come and I verbalized how I felt.  I said no to the urge to eat, whereas I used to feel completely powerless to say no.

In the past, I would have classified today as a bad day.  It wasn't a bad, though.  It was a good day, during which I was hit with some difficult news.

There was still a lot of good in today.

Gratitude:

1.  I didn't eat over difficult news
2.  I allowed myself to cry and acknowledge my feelings
3.  I had another good day with E
4.  Two of the kids' therapists who went way above and beyond today
5.  A visit with my in-laws

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 23

It was a good day.

The End  :)

Gratitude:

1.  Good food
2.  Figuring out a steady food plan
3.  E's wellness
4.  Dr. P's kindness
5.  A path to wellness

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 22

So, the official 21-Day Challenge has ended, but I'm just beginning!  I'm thankful to have completed the 21 days eating only compliant food.  I feel a little bit better each day, and I'm happy to have peace with the food.  I'm not going to rely on the scale to determine my success, but I did weigh myself before and after this challenge, and I'm down 23 pounds.  That feels good!

Gratitude:

1.  Compliance
2.  Chef AJ's generosity
3.  Great support tonight
4.  Another good day with E
5.  Welcoming change, rather than fighting it

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 21

I love Geneen Roth's words!  I've let the scale tell me that I'm a piece of crap for a long time now.  Most of my life, actually.  It's just been in the past few months that I've been able to accept that maybe, just maybe, I'm an okay person right now.  I can say the words, but the thoughts and feelings go deep, and it's going to be a process to get me to a place where I really totally believe it.  All I know is that just starting to believe that I'm okay the way I am has enabled me to open up about being a food addict, which is so incredibly freeing.  And I know that it's going to keep getting better...


Gratitude:

1.  An amazing day with E
2.  A good visit with Melissa
3.  An awesome attorney
4.  A good talk with Nick
5.  Accomplished the 21-Day Challenge!  Can't wait for Day 22!

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 20

I got really cranky this afternoon.  I'm not sure what was up, maybe just little things that I haven't been dealing with.  I was so used to stuffing them back down with food; now I have to let them out and work through them!

Gratitude:

1.  Not eating in response to frustration
2.  A nice day at home with the family
3.  Nick cleaned upstairs and it's beautiful!
4.  Satisfying food that doesn't cause cravings
5.  I think my pants might be a little bit looser  :)

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 19

The physical triggers are gone, the underlying emotional stuff is an ongoing process, and today I tackled some of the habitual stuff. We play a lot of family board games and cards, and I always used to have a glass of wine and maybe my baked chips and salsa while we played. I mindlessly ate and drank the entire time.

Today, I felt the draw to put something in my mouth, so I simply filled up my 22-ounce glass water bottle. Without even realizing it, I drank two full bottles of water while playing a game with my daughter! I like this new habit!


Gratitude:

1.  Playing games with GG
2.  A very successful day for Nick
3.  My sister coming over and then taking the kids to see Nick
4.  That when GG got hit while on the zip line and it just missed her eye
5.  Listening to Nate's friends singing when they were over tonight
6.  Another good day with E

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 18

I didn't eat too much today because I had a clingy little boy who needed his momma.  As long as I didn't get frustrated because of not being able to cook what I'd planned to cook, I was okay!  I tossed some little potatoes in the IP, steamed up some green beans, and topped them with some onion mushroom gravy that I'd made in the morning.  I love how easy it is to eat this way!

Gratitude:

1.  Being able to snuggle with E
2.  A beautiful snowy day
3.  No school for the kids
4.  Nick being part of a big show tomorrow
5.  Peace with food

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 17

I had roasted kale for breakfast yesterday morning, and it was so delicious. I was thrilled to find that I had another bunch of kale in the fridge, so that I could make it again this morning.

I realized what an amazing difference it is to look forward to eating something because it tastes incredible, than to be obsessed by something because it has taken over my mind and I can't stop thinking about it.

I wouldn't trade this freedom for anything!

Gratitude:

1.  A day at home with the children
2.  Gorgeous snow
3.  Playing games with GG
4.  Playing with E, who accepted snuggles today
5.  A warm, toasty house!

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 16

Today was so busy with appointments, and it really got to me.  I was stressed, overwhelmed.  In the past, that would have meant overeating, probably followed by wine.  Today, I acknowledged that I was that I was upset, let a few tears slip out, and ate normally.  My meals weren't exciting, but I ate what I had and I was satisfied.  Progress, for sure!


Gratitude:

1.  Not turning to food
2.  Being able to stay inside and avoid the ice
3.  My doctor
4.  Honesty emotions from my son
5.  Being able to wipe away my daughter's tears, physically and emotionally

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 15

Another good day today.  Busy, but good.  Was thankful to have food on hand so that I could grab food between appointments.  Made the quickest chili in the IP, and really loved it.

Finally got my Fitbit going.  I can't walk very much, but even if I do two more steps than the day before, I'll be happy.  I'm also focusing on standing up more often, even though I can't stand for long.

Gratitude:

1.  Help for my son
2.  Not having to go anywhere in the ice today
3.  Everyone in the family was safe at home tonight
4.  Quick meals
5.  Good supportive friends

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 14

I attempted to do a fruit and veggie day today, along with some UWL friends.  It didn't feel right.  Although I love my veggies, I ate more fruit than I normally would have, and I had feelings of deprivation.  I attempted to work through that, but by 7:00 PM, I had a terrible headache and felt awful.  I didn't have the option of going to bed, so I decided to eat a good dinner.  It felt like the right thing to do, and I'm glad that I did it.

Gratitude:

1.  A new team to help our family
2.  Another good day with E, even when Nick was out tonight
3.  My UWL teleclass
4.  Reconnecting with friends
5.  No self-condemnation

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 13

 

I had the best weekend I've had in a long time, simply because E was content, even though Nick was away.  Amazing.  Even if he hadn't been okay, I was prepared to look for the good in all situations, and find happiness in the smallest of moments.

Gratitude:

1.  Watching E engage in imaginative play with his Lego creations
2.  Organic sweet potatoes
3.  Beautiful snow
4.  A house full of children
5.  Collapsing into a warm bed at night

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 12

I was so cold this morning, and I wanted a warm, hearty breakfast.  I sauteed a bunch of veggies and put them on top of oatmeal!  While that may not appeal to everyone, I absolutely loved it!

Gratitude:

1.  My hard-working husband
2.  My children, each a gift
3.  A unexpectedly nice day with E
4.  Peacefulness, wherever I can find it
4.  Slowly improving health

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 11

I had a good day today, feeling peaceful, content, and craving-free!  Can't ask for much more than that...

1.  A warm house
2.  My children
3.  An appointment with a nurse who's going to help me with my medical problems
4.  Abstinence
5.  My patient husband

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 10

Day 10 and I'm feeling so much better.  It's crazy because I'm having a fibro flare and intense nerve pain in my leg, but I still feel better inside.  I don't know how to explain it except to say that I know that my body likes this food, and I trust that my health is going to continue to improve.  I made vegetable soup in the Instant Pot and it was so warm and felt so healing.

Gratitude:

1.  10 days of abstinence
2.  Warm vegetable soup on a cold winter day
3.  Snuggling with my son, who had a good night tonight (something that I never take for granted)
4.  A good night's sleep last night
5.  My BioMat

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 9

Gratitude:

1.  Made it through a long day of meetings
2.  Stayed abstinent, even though I didn't have time to cook
3.  Went outside
4.  Continued hope
5.  My family

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 8

The trouble with burying your feelings is that feelings buried alive never die. ~ Chef AJ

Gratitude:

1. Acceptance
2. Staying abstinent under stress
3. Hot Hands
4. Hugs from all four children
5. Learning to take one day at a time

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 7

Extremely stressful day today (as opposed to a typical stressful day!), and I just didn't know what to do with it.  I wanted to eat.  I wanted a glass of wine.  What do I do with these crazy reactions, almost to the point of being panic?

For the first time ever, I acknowledged the feelings.  Life took a big turn today, which means that I have no idea what's going to happen next, which means that I'm out of control.  I don't like being out of control.

So, I sat with it.  I didn't like it.  So uncomfortable!  But, I stayed with it anyway.  And I realized that I was going to get through it...even without food or alcohol.

Oh, and did I mention that I was surrounded by hot steamy trigger foods during this particular trial?  Seriously, I felt as if someone set up the whole scene just to make me crazy!  :)

So, I got through it, and that feels great...both physically and emotionally!


Simple, filling, healthy whole foods today.  I think I'm starting to have a little thing with Trader Joe's Cruciferous Crunch!  Who knew I could fall for cabbage, broccoli, and brussels sprouts?


Gratitude:

1.  Got through the stress without eating over it
2.  A rare visit with a good friend
3.  New knowledge about essential oils
4.  Realizing that I'm not running the show
5.  Nick went shopping and stocked up on my food

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 6

Good day today.  Got some sleep this weekend and am starting to feel better.  Lots of nerve pain, wish I felt good enough to exercise a little bit.

Very thirsty all the time, which I don't mind because I'm drinking lots of water.

Leftovers today.  Wanted to finish the last 1/4 of so of chili, just because it was there.  Was aware that I was making myself a human garbage disposal, so I put it down the real garbage disposal instead.  Small victory!

Gratitude:

1.  Sleep
2.  Leftovers
3.  Spending time with GG
4.  E coming home
5.  Hot water

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 5

A good day.  Listened to the teleclass again, and got even more from it.

Very thirsty - drinking lots of water.

Headache is gone but still very tired.  Not pushing myself at all - practicing kindness instead.

I made some hummus today.  It was kind of tough to get used to without any salt in it.  I'll try again tomorrow.

I also made Chef AJ's Ultimate Sauce.  So delicious over a big Cruciferous Crunch salad from Trader Joe's!

I think that I need to stop making recipes for a while, and just eat plain food.  I notice that I get a little crazy when confronted with a huge pot full of soup or chili, and I end up overeating.  I froze quite a few jars of chili and soup today, but it still feels like too much, and then I feel like I have to eat it to get rid of it.

When I make some of these recipes in the future, I'll cut them in half for sure.  Maybe that will help.

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THERE'S NO PAIN, WHEN YOU ABSTAIN!!! - Chef AJ

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I felt a little down (okay, a lot) after seeing myself in the mirror, so I'm working on positive affirmations.

Gratitude:

1.  Believing that I can learn to love myself
2.  The UWL group and all of the support there
3.  The Emotional Eating group, also with lots of support and understanding
4.  Beautiful snow today
5.  A peaceful day

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 4

I had a little meltdown today.  Just a little one.  Too much to do all at once, and it really got to me...

That was precisely the situation in which I would have reached for something sweet, because, you know, I deserved it!  It helped me to calm down after some intense drama.

Today, I'm happy to say, was different.  I released some tears, I took a deep breath or two, and then I sat down and thought about how it would look to calm down without the sweet stuff!

I decided, intentionally, to have a cup of Dandy Blend.  I had it in my mom's mug, which made me feel close to her, which was comforting.  I sat down, felt the warmth of the mug in my hands, and savored the hot drink.

After that, I was able to get on with my day.

Nick made Potato Waffles for me today!  I've wanted to try them for a while now.  What a fun food.

I also cooked up a huge pot of Butternut Squash and Quinoa Chili (from Healthy Girl's Kitchen) in the Instant Pot.  Delicious and warming!


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From Chef AJ re the weekend:

"Don't let the lack of structure or routine or increased socializing derail you. You can do this. You can stay on your program an NO MATTER WHAT."


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Gratitude:

1.  Having Nick cook for me
2.  Nick working on organizing his office
3.  Respite
4.  Therapy
5.  Warm food on a bitterly cold day

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 3

My headache is subsiding!


It's soooo cold out, and I couldn't get warm.  All I wanted was something thick and hearty, so I started putting everything that came to mind into the soup pot: black beans, kidney beans, corn, tomatoes, hominy, lots of smoked paprika and cumin (my favorites!), some cheeze sauce, and I forget what else.  Oh yeah, brown rice!

It warmed me up...at least for a while.  Tonight, I had my first ever cup of hot water with some lemon juice squeezed into it.  It was good (I don't care for it cold) and again, it did the trick.
 

I've had a few food cravings, but nothing I haven't been able to deep breathe my way through.  Seriously, it works!  I breathe in for the count of five, hold my breath for the count of five, exhale for five, and hold for five.  Good stuff!


From JP:
"Sitting is the new smoking, GET OFF YOUR SEAT AND ON YOUR FEET."



Gratitude:
1.  My oldest son brought home a beautiful white rose for me!
2.  Nick brought me some new greens to try, plus spinach, butternut squash, and lots of sweet potatoes from the CSA
3.  Being able to comfort my very frightened son
4.  Playing cards with my daughter
5.  My computer, which keeps me connected

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 2

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From JP:  "Let's focus on staying strong today. Always move toward the light, and love yourself no matter what. Whatever the question vegetables are the answer!! Stay on these boards and support one another."

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Gratitude:

1.  Having a program that works for me, and doing that program with others who understand.

2.  Filling, healthy food.

3.  Not giving up, no matter how tough things have been.

4.  Heat, on this frigid day.

5.  Detox, because it reminds me that what I'm doing is working, and better days are ahead.

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30 Days of Gratitude - Day 1

I've been working on dealing with emotional eating, and what I've learned is that the issue is twofold: first and foremost, there's the emotional aspect, and second, is the physical aspect, food addiction.

Not everyone believes in food addiction, but that's not important to me.  I live with it, and that's the extent of my argument.    I learned that I was a food addict about 10 years ago.  I joined a program that eliminated sugar in all forms, flour, and processed foods.  I felt great, and all food cravings were eliminated.  The problem was that I didn't like eating animal products, which were required in that program.

Fast forward to a whole foods, plant-based diet, and I convinced myself that I would no longer deal with food addiction if I was eating WFPB.  I was actually assured that the food I was eating in my program wouldn't cause cravings.  The only problem is that I was having significant cravings!

I was searching for information on how to combine WFPB with food addiction, but I wasn't finding much...until recently.  Chef AJ and John Pierre created a program called Ultimate Weight Loss, which addresses food addiction.

So, I'm going to continue to work on the emotional aspect, while eating this way.  I feel like, after all these years, I've found what I need.

Today is Day 1, and I'm excited to get started!

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Homework:
1) get a food journal, a note book or an app.
2) get a pedometer. be conscious of how much you are moving
3) stay connected, post and read the boards.

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Gratitude:

1. This program

2. Whole foods that don't cause cravings

3. My family, who support me

4. Clean water

5. My health, and the hopes that I can get better

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Food Addiction

Certain foods. like sugar, flour and refined carbohydrates (like breads and pastas), react negatively in a food addict's system, which causes the person to overeat. As soon as these substances enter the system, a person physically craves more and more of them, and no matter how much is eaten, It will never be enough. Just as an alcoholic physically craves alcohol, food addicts physically crave certain foods.

It is this physical craving for substances that causes individuals to overeat. In the same manner that, after years of drinking, alcoholics become dependent on alcohol, food addicts desire food. This establishes the phenomenon of “craving”.

Your overeating is a biological malfunctioning of your system, not a character flaw!

~ Chef AJ

The Voice - Geneen Roth

Within two hours of welcoming students to a retreat on using food as a doorway to their inner lives, I ask them to list 10 criticisms they've hurled at themselves since they arrived. "Just 10?" someone usually asks. Then I introduce the concept of The Voice. I ask a few people to read their lists out loud (using the tone in which The Voice usually speaks to them). Some things I've heard: "I can't believe I came to another thing on weight." "What is wrong with me for thinking I could wear a sleeveless dress?" "My toenails are disgusting." "I'm wasting my time and I should go home." You probably wouldn't let anyone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself. You're inured to insults from this inner critic who sounds so much like you that you believe it is you. You think you're telling yourself the truth.

How do you free yourself from The Voice? You begin by becoming aware that it exists. One good way to do that is by listing the ways you've berated yourself and reading the insults out loud in the voice of The Voice, the way my students do. Next, you work on disengaging from The Voice - understanding that it isn't you. You can begin to separate from The Voice by remembering a time when you knew the delight of being happy for no reason, a moment when The Voice was silent and you were your essential self.

When you stop believing The Voice, when you know it isn't you, when you talk back to it, you are free. You have access to yourself and every thing The Voice pretends to offer, but doesn't: clarity, intelligence, strength, joy, compassion, curiosity, love. When you stop responding to the continual comments on your thighs, your value, your very existence, then you can ask yourself if you are comfortable at this weight; if you feel healthy, energetic, awake. And if the answer is no, you can ask yourself what you could do about it that would fit into your day-to-day life. What you can live with, what you can maintain. What feels good, what stirs your heart. And you can give that answer in your own voice.

Never Stop Fighting

My friend, Fily, shared this with me.  I feel as though it were written just for me!

Marianne Williamson Prayer

Dear God,

Please rebuild my temple

And restore my body.

Please repair my relationship with food.

May that which I have used to hurt myself

Become a blessing and a blessing only

In my life.

Help me to forgive myself for my misuse of food,

And teach me how to begin again.

May I learn to eat in a holy way.

Thank you, God.

Amen

~ Marianne Williamson 

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Battles and Choices

I'm sick and tired of being strong.  


I feel like my life has become a battle.  I'm battling to stay afloat amidst a sea of chaos.  I'm battling to manage four children with too many doctors and therapists and IEPs and homework and lost toys and "He said this" and "She did that".  Endless paperwork, calls from teachers, and a steady stream of behavioral specialists and advocates in and out of the door.  Hospital visits and frayed nerves, suicide threats and tantrums and rages, holes punched and kicked in walls.  My health, ever on the back burner, but ever present in the form of relentless pain... 

 

I don't want this life, thank you.  

I'd like to reorder.  

I'll choose Option B this time.

Things used to be so good, so easy!  Life was fun, at least on the outside.  I laughed - a lot.  I traveled and rode jet skis and I walked.  I loved to walk!  I dug in the dirt and produced beautiful flowers and vegetables.  I fed my birds and watched them at my feeders, hands wrapped around my warm mug in the early morning.  I listened to music, beautiful music, music that could bring silent tears to my eyes.  I played piano and felt such joy.

Now I listen to screaming and fighting and accusations and sobbing.  I won't listen to music anymore because when all of the chaotic noise in the house stops, I want only silence.  I sometimes stay up for most of the night, just to embrace that wonderful silence.

My beloved piano, now covered with Lego and Wii games, is unappreciated and unplayed.  My fingers are clumsy and can no longer keep up.

I miss my old life, but I have lessons to learn from this one.  I don't always embrace those lessons, but I know deep down that they're there for me, gifts in strange, uncomfortable packages.

In spite of previous fun and smiles, the skewed relationship with food was present.  The lessons were there, even then, waiting to be recognized.

I am choosing to become aware of those lessons, and to learn from them, even though true understanding and implementation will undoubtedly take time.

On a tough day recently, I noticed, as I watched my husband and son walk out the door, that I wanted to eat.  They would have their fun on their day trip, and I would have my food.   

Why?  Was I feeling rejected, left out?  As much as I love my solitude, maybe, just maybe, I don't like being left behind.

I noticed it again, when they all left to go to a party.  I didn't want to go, didn't feel up to going.  Maybe, though, at some level, I did want to go.  Maybe I wanted to feel well enough to go!  Maybe, although I won't let it surface, I'm mad as hell that my life has come to this.  Maybe I'm sick of constantly hurting, every single waking minute of every day.  Why do I feel like I can't acknowledge any of this?  Why must I instead press on, putting out the next fire, stuffing those feelings?


Today, I made the choice not to stuff the feelings.  While I didn't release them 100%, something that will take time and practice, I didn't stuff them with food.  I felt them: the tension, the frustration, the anger (yes, it's okay to feel anger!).  I felt them but I didn't eat over them.

I ate lovely, nourishing food today.  I ate it when I was hungry, and I didn't eat it when I wasn't.

So simple, yet so incredibly complex.

What I can do...all I can do...is continue that pattern, one minute at a time.  I can feel my feelings, knowing and accepting that they're all okay.  I can sustain myself - physically, not emotionally - with food, and that's okay, too.  I can notice how it feels when I let my emotions surface, and I can notice how I feel after eating certain foods.

No, I don't love many things about my life right now, and no, I certainly wouldn't choose those things.  But this life is here, it's real, and I can make the decision to embrace it and accept it, instead of avoiding it by attempting to numb myself with food.

I'm blessed to have choices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©Katie Daisy 2014

"Just sit with your pain, fear, guilt, sadness, anger...

and see what happens.  

We have a tendency to drown out/run away from our pain 

without really examining it. 

Take time to sit still with your emotions - 

it can be hard, but it really does help."
(Found on Pinterest)

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Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. 

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. 

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. 

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, 

of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." 

~ Washington Irving

 

Moving On

"Chaos often fosters the greatest creativity. 

Breakdowns often precede the greatest breakthroughs. 

And when the pain is greatest 

is often when we're on the brink of the greatest realization.....

When the pain is burned through rather than numbed, 

when our darkness is brought to light and then forgiven, 

then and only then can we move on. 

And move on we do." 

~ Marianne Williamson

20 Things I Can Do Instead of Emotional Eating

 1.  Write, either in my journal or on my blog

 2.  Write a Gratitude List of 10 things

 3.  Play a board game with the kids

 4.  Color a mandala

 5.  Work on a jigsaw puzzle

 6.  Send a card to a friend

 7.  Email a friend

 8.  Make a collage

 9.  Write down 10 things I like about myself (yikes!)

10.  Meditate

11.  Listen to music

12.  Look at my Pinterest board

11.  Clean out a drawer or cabinet

12.  Practice yoga

13.  Read a book

14.  Take a power nap

15.  Deep breathe

16.  Sing

17.  Go sit on the deck

18.  Practice '5 Things' exercise

19.  Listen to an inspirational tape

20.  Read an affirmation

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