How Much Do I Want It?

As my health begins to improve, I'm realizing how much I've missed out on in life.  I've stayed at home during day trips, vacations, and holidays.  This is partly because of how sick I've been and partly because I don't want to go anywhere because of my appearance.

My tendency is to put things on hold, telling myself that I'll wait to do them.  Wait until I'm feeling better, wait until I have it together, wait until I've lost weight, wait until my hair grows out...

This is crazy thinking!  :)

I won't go to a bereavement group until I get it together because I don't want to break down in front of people.  There's an excellent group a mile from my house, but I haven't taken advantage of it.  It's been almost 3 1/2 years since my mom died, and I've put my grief on hold by not attending this group.

There's a yearly event for moms with spouses or children with special needs in which they offer a day of pampering, complete with a fancy lunch, motivational speakers, and spa services.  As much as I would love that, maybe even need that, I've yet to go.  Why?  Because I feel like I look too awful.  I've ignored my appearance for so long that I'd be embarrassed for someone to see my hair or my nails up close.  So I sit at home, telling myself that I'll go next time...

One of my favorite singers is giving a concert at a local church next weekend.  It would be an amazing opportunity to see her in such a small setting, and I would really love to go, but as the time approaches, I'm not sure if I will do it.


Someone recently asked, "How far are you willing to go?  How much do you want it?"


This resonated with me, and has helped me get out to the pool when I don't feel up to going or the weather's not great.  Now I'm wondering if I can use it to help me push past other obstacles...obstacles that feel uncomfortable, that I'd rather just run from.

With exercise, the pool is the best option for me right now.  I won't be able to utilize our pool much longer.  Am I willing to go to an indoor public pool?  Do I want it enough to go?  Yes, it will mean getting into a bathing suit.  And yes, it will mean that people will see my legs, which used to be nice looking and are now deformed by lymphedema.  It will mean doing what I need to do for me, even if it means setting aside my pride.

I'm seeing how often I've run from things in my life.  It makes me feel so weak to think that I haven't faced my mom's death, my daughter's death...even my favorite pets' deaths.  I just move on to the next thing.  Someone hurts me, and I move on, rather than deal with it.  In a lot of these instances, I've turned to food, which has also hurt me.

I feel like now is finally the time to live consciously, even when it's painful or uncomfortable.  It's just a matter of how much I want it.