Saying Goodbye to Guilt

 
I think that I have too many thoughts today, but I'm determined to learn how to not stuff my feelings (with food or otherwise), so I'm going to attempt to let this out.

A friend of mine died yesterday.  She choked to death.

I'm pissed that it happened, and I'm devastated that she was alone.

I choked once, and it was awful.  Terrifying, in fact.  I was eating ground beef (another great reason to give up that junk!), and the phone rang.  I started to tell my kids not to answer it, and as I breathed in to speak, a bit of ground beef went down wrong.  I couldn't speak and I couldn't breathe.  I watched in horror as all four of my kids stood around me, tears streaming down their faces, screaming at me to breathe.  I grabbed the phone to dial 911, and my oldest son panicked and threw a glass of water in my face.  I managed to calm myself down and dislodge the food.  It was a horrible thing for my kids to witness, but I can't even imagine being alone during it.

In addition to the anger and the sadness about what my friend endured, I'm experiencing guilt.  Guilt because I said that I was going to write to her and I didn't.  And now it's too late; I lost my chance.

I have lots of reasons/excuses:

It's hard for me to write because of the pain in my hands.  I could have written it on the computer.

It's hard for me to write because my eyesight isn't great.  Ditto about the computer.

My memory is terrible and I forgot.  I did forget, but then I remembered, and I could have written then.


My life is crazy taking care of four kids with special needs and trying to keep up with my health issues, too.

I can't counter that because it really is the truth and it prevents me from doing a lot of things I want to do.


But, deep down, I don't think that's good enough.  I beat myself up for failing, for not doing more.  I think it's a lame excuse and I think I'm lame.


I have to go outside of myself.  Would I fault a friend for the same thing if she were in my shoes?

No.  I would show compassion.


So, is it enough that I cared about my friend, and that I wanted to be there for her?  I don't know.  I'd like it to be enough.  I'd like to really believe and know in my gut that it's enough.  I do know that I don't want to carry around any additional unresolved guilt.  I'm just not sure I know how to let go.

All I can say is this:

My dear friend,

I'm sad that your life was cut short and that you died alone.  I really wish that I'd written to you, and I know that, if you could, you would give me that big smile and tell me that it's okay.  I'm so happy that you're with your mom and dad because I know how much you missed them.  I will miss you.

Until we meet again...